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The first combined Church and Funeral home was started by Jesse Collyer in Southampton New York in 1840, he was quick to recognise the money making potential in starting his own Church, in fact it was a "new" Church renaissance around this time in America, however the other new religions like the "Mormons" and "Jehovah's Witnesses" were soon to take a back seat as the 10% Church won the hearts of a nation with it's nonreligious outlook. The 10% Church rapidly went from strength to strength, in fact so many people were giving him their tithe money that the Churches income became 10,000 times greater than that of the funeral business, but before Jesse reached his fifth million dollars his life was cut tragically short, he was found dead in bed by his wife, he was only 92, but even in death he had a smile on his face.
His fifth wife Eleanor, who was only 19 took charge of the funeral home and his only son Wilbur inherited the Church.
1890, in a twist of fate Wilbur inherited his stepmother by marriage, she was a very demanding woman in the bedroom department, which was a strange department to have in a funeral directors. Both businesses became neglected due to the couples preference to make babies as apposed to burying other peoples. The next few years were difficult years, not only for the ever growing Collyer brood, but America in general, it would not be until after the Great Depression and world war II that Desmond Collyer would inherit the businesses and make it what it is today, but being only 5 years old it would have to wait until 1950, with only $7 million left of the Collyer fortune this giant task began.
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The vision of bringing the Tenpasenta brand back to life started with a move of the funeral home/Church to far larger premises on the main Southampton High Street, a bold move indeed for a business that had been as good as closed for 50 years, in fact it was to turn out a lot bolder than he thought.
Unfortunately Des found that the estate agent had in fact sold him premises on the High Street Southampton England (which just proves that estate agents have always been a bunch of cocks), but Des was very keen to pass on the Tenpasenta word and not look too stupid, or go broke for that matter, so he moved himself and his business idea to England. This proved to be a great move however as the British public loved to pay over the top prices for anything connected to religion, and a Church based funeral directors hit home even harder, with some people even giving their tithe money for nothing more than a few kind words, they didn't even ask for a guaranteed afterlife.
It turned out to be a gold mine, the new Church took the Southern counties by storm, no such thing as a Tenpasenta Bible basher walking the streets and knocking on doors, no illustrated periodicals forced upon the unsuspecting, no need to attend Church on your day off work, just the simple guarantee of a life after death, and all just for a monthly cash subscription.
One type of business Des noticed missing in Southampton was Self Storage, these are an ideal opportunity to own a large warehouse at no cost to yourself, just by charging locals rent in exchange for some space it will pay for itself.
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The early 1960's heralded the U.K.'s first combined self storage facility and Church, this was built in the luxurious St. Mary's part of Southampton, Self storage was still a very new concept to the British public and it would take many year's for it to catch on, this was mainly because the contents of most peoples homes around this time was just a lot of crap.
Part of the self storage area was leased out to the Royal South Hants Hospital as a lucrative extension emergency mortuary, they had 382 chilled slots reserved, the remaining 18 being for the Tenpasenta funeral service itself. In 1979 all 400 chiller slots became used just by the funeral service, this was during Britain's Winter of Discontent 1978-1979 when many of the countries grave diggers went on strike and council cemeteries closed their gates, this meant many bodies were left unburied and lounging in mortuary freezers like his. At this time the Tenpasenta Church had no burial land of its own, and having used up most of the road central reservations in the area and with woodland being guarded by Police, a new private Tenpasenta burial site was required. Finding land big enough for all the Church and funeral requirements was going to be a tall order, but with "God" on his side and a new E-type Jaguar donated to the local Church of England Bishop, things were about to change, more later.
The St. Mary's building was only used until 1984 for the acceptance of donations and storage, it was later to become a swimming pool, this was due to a design fault with the prefabrication used in its construction, the building became overly damp causing the basement to flood, but from this disaster the Tenpasenta Old Society Swimming Association was born, members are still known as old Tossa's today.
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1980 a local derelict Church and its vast grounds was purchased within minutes of it coming on the market, its previous owner the Church of England had been forced to sell it on the orders of a local Bishop apparently. Unfortunately it turned out that most of the 200 acre site was part of the largest cemetery in Hampshire, with some parts even dating back to Saxon times, and worst of all it was full. Beyond Historical interest and some local families who still brought flowers, it was deemed a useless piece of land in its current form, however fate smiled again on Des the vicar and within hours of purchase a freak accident occurred on a Road passing the site, a flat bed lorry from Yorkshire Opencast Mining Ltd crashed, and some excavating equipment fell from it and proceeded to remove six feet of top soil from almost the entire cemetery over the next five days, body remains became piled into one corner and headstones in another.
After this terrible event (which left a perfectly flat surface) Hampshire County Council granted planning permission to build anything on the site that Des wanted, and as long as brown envelopes continued to pass to a certain Councilor this could continue as long as required. Building work soon began on the twenty five bedroom vicarage, a private crematorium, and plans made for a state of the art over ground burial system. The new Tenpasenta Church Estate was on the map.
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Due to the ever growing interest in the Tenpasenta Church and it's history, Des the Vicar decided to import the original First Tenpasenta Church from New York, it was to become the new focal point on the developing estate, this unique old Church that even had a built in crematorium was made entirely of wood and could easily be dismantled and transported to England, it would be cheap to do too as Des's brother Roy could get staff discount on cross Atlantic transport as he worked on a ship that ran between New York and Southampton (RMS Queen Mary), he also had handy contacts in the American building game, Des's eldest son Graham, brother of Mark the vicar, had just finished his apprenticeship in carpentry, it was an ideal opportunity to bring these first class resources together, and fulfil the dream.
Unfortunately yet again things didn't turn out as planned.
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Above is the original First Church just as it looks today, not quite as it was envisaged by Des, or the bank. It has been estimated that only about 7% of the original structure arrived from America, there are many stories about what may have happened, it could have been that Roy gave the contract for dismantling to his friends demolition company, another is the fact that he didn't work on the Queen Mary as it had been retired five years before the project started, which could help explain why what did arrive was all marked "By Air Mail".
Pieced together it looks fairly good and gets used regularly for budget service patrons, so it wasn't a total loss.
Rumour has it that this may not even be the correct Church, but in fact a Baptist Church that vanished one weekend from Salem, Massachusetts, we may never know.
What can you expect when you employ family?
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Because of the earlier setbacks with the wooden church Des the vicar decided to concentrate efforts on the old Church that was originally on the site, out went the broken windows, in came nice double glazed units, gone would be the aisle and pews, in would come comfy chairs and tables, it looked more like a plush hotel, it may have reduced the capacity from 200 to about 50, but they would be a comfortable 50.
No boring sermons here, just colour TV's and licensed bars, it was closed Sundays giving members a chance to lay in on their day off, the only exception to the Sunday rule was pricey premier weddings, family members could hear our visiting registrar marry the couple, watch as they sign a substantial donation cheque and get home in time for lunch, perfect.
The Church remains a luxurious place to relax and have a drink today, new licensing laws mean we can open as long as customers want, we sometimes go on as late as 11pm.
1985 and second son Mark was invited to supervise the vicar team, these were good times and money making Church based opportunities showed themselves in the most thinkable and unthinkable of places.
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It had been noticed that every other Church in the country appeared to have a roof appeal every year, this must have brought them thousands of pounds in easy revenue from parishioners who believe those giant thermometers put outside actually effect the weather in some way, an idea was born and designs were made for a new Tenpasenta roof appeal scheme, this involved a special removable roof, it would mean that during the start of a roof appeal it could be taken off and put out of sight, and then quickly replaced once reporters had left and photos taken. The system worked a treat, and has so far been removed 19 times on the Tenpasenta Church raising over £250,000. The design has now been sold around the world to less reputable Churches bringing in several millions of pounds.
Des the vicar passed away suddenly in 2001 following a severe case of not breathing. Mark became head vicar and expanded the Church in several other profitable directions. Today the Tenpasenta Group is the largest secular Church in the world with 70% of the earth's population donating regularly.
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