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DRIVER |
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Situation vacant for limousine/hearse driver. Perks of the job include: |
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DIGGER |
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Situation vacant for a grave digger/cemetery maintenance man. This stimulating job offers the correct applicant the chance to handle heavy machinery, this could expose a gold tooth or two as they double dig some graves. Cemetery maintenance means the cutting of grass and planting of Christmas trees and the kicking out of cheap petrol station flowers twice per week. They will be provided with their own Transit van to enable them to get around the vast Tenpasenta estate, they can take it home but we charge £5 per day plus fuel if they do. We work to the highest possible standards and will expect the winning applicant to do the same. We will only be hiring a male member of staff, the female applicants who have been hired in the past couldn't dig a grave by hand in under 2 days, no good to us, nice tits though. £18.000 flat JOB REFERANCE: GD1 |
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INSULATOR |
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Situation vacant for Cremsulation cavity wall installer. An excellent opportunity to join our Cremsulation team. Experience is necessary as handling human remains may cause cancer in the operator, and eventually cause them an early death. Operators who already suffer a terminal illness will be selected above healthy members of the public, persons with a very low IQ are also welcome to apply, we have found these people to be easily manipulated which is handy when heavy lifting is involved or dangerous exposure could occur. If you are the litigious type please do not apply, workers are employed to do a regular job for a regular wage, and not for wishing to sue us for a fortune just because the job caused illness or death. £17.500 plus overtime JOB REFERANCE: CI5 |
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JOBS
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Situation vacant for Geriatric care worker, days. This stimulating position within the Tenpasenta Church geriatric care home will offer the winning candidate the chance to handle old people. You will be responsible for their toiletry requirements, for which training will be given. Distribution of tea and biscuits every hour will also come under your remit. Many in our care are bed bound, it will be your job to rotate the patients at least once a day, any saline drip should be moved to the other side of the bed while the patient is face down for several hours, again training will be given, we have noticed many old people pass away while their face is flat in the pillow, but that's got to be better than bedsores? Training will be given for the use of the automated geriatric despatch system. £24.000 flat + time off for patient funerals. JOB REFERANCE: OLD1 |
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