The
Tenpasenta Church
Southampton
 
Situations vacant
 

Church Jobs

 
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ABOUT US HISTORY DEATH MATERNITY RETIREMENT GERIATRIC CARE
WEDDINGS OVER50PLAN FUNDRAISING HUMANITARIAN ROYAL VISIT KIDS CLUB
SELF STORAGE GOLD4CHURCH REMEMBRANCE GIFT SHOP JOBS ESTATE
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LIMO DRIVER

SITUATIONS POSSIBLY VACANT
Xj8
Premium funerals XJ8 Limousine/hearse driver.
Full training maybe be given.
This job involves driving very powerful cars as slowly as you can.
Performance hearses are able to accelerate from 0 to 60mph in six seconds, but this is frowned upon during a funeral cortège.
Applicants with a miserable face stand a higher chance of being selected.
You may/will be required to act as a pall bearer, so bear this in mind before applying, especially if you are very tall or short because you will be automatically rejected on sight.
Work includes: Chatting with your work mates in a back room at the crematorium, (great for the winter months), and nipping out for a quick fag as soon as the coffin is on the catafalque (try to smoke out of the view of mourners, it's the irony not regulations).

£16k pa + overtime.
XJ8 V8 4.0 Jaguar XJ 8 funeral car
JOB REFERANCE: LIMP 1
 
     
This site is not suitable for churchy types
   

GRAVE DIGGER

SITUATIONS POSSIBLY VACANT
Cut grave
Dug grave cover set Grave digger/cemetery maintenance.
This stimulating job offers the correct applicant the chance to handle heavy machinery, this work could also expose a gold tooth or two as you double dig some graves, as a bonus you can keep them!
Cemetery maintenance involves cutting grass, planting Christmas trees, and kicking out cheap petrol station flowers twice per week, you will also be required to remove excess human ashes from the garden of remembrance daily.
Successful applicants will be provided with a van to get around the vast estate.
We sometimes work to the highest possible standards and will expect our new staff to do the same.
We will only be hiring a male member of staff, the last female applicant who was hired couldn't hand dig a grave in under 2 days, no good to us, nice knockers though.
£15k flat.
grave supports Vacuum up human ashes
  JOB REFERANCE: GRD 1
   
You're buying an afterlife    
     
   

WALL AND LOFT INSULATOR

SITUATIONS POSSIBLY VACANT
Cavity installer
Cremsulation Cavity wall/loft installer.
An excellent opportunity to join our Cremsulation team.
Experience is necessary as handling human remains will cause cancer to the operator.
Operators who already suffer a terminal illness will be selected above healthy members of the public.
Persons with a very low IQ are especially welcome to apply, we have found these people to be easily manipulated which is handy with heavy lifting and exposure to carcinogenic materials.
If you are the litigious type please do not apply, workers are employed to do a regular job for a regular wage, and not for wanting to sue us for a fortune, even though the job will cause illness or death within 5 years.
£11k plus overtime.
drilling cavity wall holes Cremsulation blower
JOB REFERANCE: CREMSU 1
 
     
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CARE WORKER
SITUATIONS POSSIBLY VACANT
geriatric goods
Geriatric hands, female Geriatric care worker, NIGHT SHIFT.
This stimulating position within our geriatric care home will offer the winning candidate the chance to handle old people.
You will be responsible for their toiletry requirements, for which a pair of reusable gloves will be provided. Distribution of tea and biscuits every hour will also come under your remit. High speed catheter fitting skills would be an advantage.
Many in our care are bed bound, it will be your job to turn the patients at least twice a day (not lengthways).
Training will be given on correct use of the automated geriatric despatch system.
Priority is given to Nigerian nurses as most of the night staff come from this part of the world and are great at scaring our old guests shitless when sneaking up with a baguette.
£18k & time off for going to customer funerals.
Training model geriatric Geriatric care
  JOB REFEREANCE OLD 1
   
Tenpasenta Church home    
     
   
THERAPIST
SITUATIONS POSSIBLY VACANT
Wanking off old men for money
Masage Geriatric Therapist, PART TIME.
We require a fully qualified lady to provide geriatric therapy via the art of massage, we understand the numerous physiological benefits, massage can help to: Reduce stress and anxiety by relaxing both mind and body - Create a feeling of well-being and enhanced self-esteem - Promote positive body awareness through relaxation - And ease emotional trauma through relaxation.
Successful applicants should be aware that they will be handling the very frail, this position is part time. Remember that as we like to provide the very best experience for the elderly in our care you may be required to wank off old men for which they will pay cash. This money can be kept by you to boost our low salary.
£7k pa
Geriatric massage Massage
  JOB REFEREANCE OLD 2
As seen on BBC South Today
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ABOUT US HISTORY DEATH MATERNITY RETIREMENT GERIATRIC CARE
WEDDINGS OVER50PLAN FUNDRAISING HUMANITARIAN ROYAL VISIT KIDS CLUB
SELF STORAGE GOLD4CHURCH REMEMBRANCE GIFT SHOP JOBS ESTATE
next
     
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