The
Tenpasenta Church
Southampton
 
 
 

Kids Club

 
Back
ABOUT US HISTORY DEATH MATERNITY RETIREMENT GERIATRIC CARE
WEDDINGS OVER50PLAN FUNDRAISING HUMANITARIAN ROYAL VISIT KIDS CLUB
SELF STORAGE GOLD4CHURCH REMEMBRANCE GIFT SHOP JOBS ESTATE
next

KIDS CLUB

Kids Club For the dads silly looking kid
Here at the Tenpasenta Church we're not backward in coming forward with great ideas for you and your family, especially when it involves some easy income for us.
Welcome to the Tenpasenta Church Kids club.
It's never too early to teach your children the advantages of giving money our Church, and at our Kids club we teach just that mixed with fun and games they will love.
Our kids club takes place every evening from 6.30pm to 7.45pm in our cosy underground columbarium complex.
Check back for our summer timetable as we're open all day during school holidays.
Sister Mary, our Locum Nun ash pit
Locum Nun Sister Mary Collyer runs our kids club.
Mary won best in breed at Crufts in 2003, which was strange as she was only dropping off some Church Kids club leaflets to their reception.
Kids love to play in our unique ash pit, just like a sand pit but full of uncollected cremated remains which can be topped up with still warm remains for winter fun, children can even fill urns for our funeral department.
 
Pencils
     
This site is not suitable for churchy types
   

COLUMBARIUM

A popular game with kids club members is hide and seek, with some games lasting well over two hours, all of the kids have unsupervised access to our vast underground columbarium network, which is great fun. Unfortunately over the years a few of the children have found themselves locked in overnight and found scared shitless at the next days opening, we blame the parents and not Sister Mary's rush to the pub at 8 o'clock, we suggest that if you leave your child with us that you have them tagged for their own safety, it's not our fault they bugger off.
Because of this we would like to remind parents that they should collect their children at 7.45pm sharp, we fully understand how nice it is to have the house to yourselves now and again, and we are more than happy to have small groups stay overnight when prearranged, please do not fill their heads with tales of ghosts and zombies, we have enough trouble with the bloody rats, it's not helpful when we are trying to focus their minds on the lighter side of giving money to a church, the fact that they are surrounded by the dead reinforces the fact that the little sods are as mortal as any man, unless they donate to us in the future when of course they'll be guaranteed an afterlife.
Your co-operation is appreciated.
play area fancy dress kids crypt kids meals
WARNING
kids crypt   warning
   
Pencils  
     
   

THE GARY GLITTER WING*

GARY GLITTER
Touch me 8 trackIn June 2012 rock legend Sir Gary of Glitter donated £90,000 to the Tenpasenta kids club!
For some unknown reason he insisted that it was spent on a new under 16 girls only entertainment room. This cutting edge entertainment area includes Gary's 70's hits playing on an 8 track cartridge, videos, PS3 computer games, changing rooms, and showers.
This is all monitored by 12 HD security cameras linked directly to Gary's personal security team based in his own house, wherever that is now.
The Gary Glitter wing
supersedes the late
Lord Savile's "Jim'll Fix It"
sick or dying kids play area.*
 
STUART HALL
It's a Knockout! BBC Summer Special!
Stuart Hall It's a Knockout
With Stuart Hall.  
Enjoy our It's a Knockout Summer play area, kindly donated by BBCTV anchor man Stuart Hall OBE.Stuart Hall
Stuart will be on hand as often as possible in the summer months to personally apply sun tan lotion on any young girls he feels need it, we agree that it's vital to protect children from the suns harmful rays.
There are so many things that can endanger our children these days, we're glad that Stuart is giving up his valuable time to protect your kids!
For those unfamiliar with Stuart we found this quick video of him visiting a police station for what we assume was a charity event.
ROLF HARRIS
Rolfaroo Rolf's Weekend Art Club Rolfs art club
RolfarooGet your kids to join our Rolf Harris's Art Club!
Learn how to draw whilst throat singing.
Let Rolf draw your daughters in compromising positions.(he even pays you!).
Painting with rollers.
Rolf has been up close with the Queen, so you know you're children will be in safe hands.
NEWS FLASH
Warning WARNING Warning
Top Tip It has been drawn to Mark the Vicar's attention that our celebrated stars above may not be suitable partners for a class leading fake Children’s club. News reports suggest that they may be a bunch of cunts who have groomed our staff into believing they are great, their large cash donations would not have effected our previous suspicions about them.
Until further notice they will only be available on Saturdays, but at half price. Once we find out the truth behind the scurrilous rumours we will decide what action to take.
We will not be giving refunds or admit liability for anything they may have done whilst on our premises.
 
Pencils
     
You're buying an afterlife
   
CLUB FEES
Southampton Kids Club
Children 2 - 6 years £2.50 per session.
Children 7 - 21 years £4.50 per session.
Why not pay for a whole years kids club in advance and save £2*
Price includes a free heavily diluted soft drink and equally soft old biscuits.
*Off the price of a funeral.
   
Pencils  
     
   
COLUMBARIUM GUIDED TOURS
Sister Mary columbarium tours Columbarium tours available daily, contact kids club leader Sister Mary Collyer.
Only £15 per person for an hour long tour which takes in a twenty minute visit to our crematorium, and a complementary glass of wine or orange squash for £5
Round off your tour with one of our wedding guests meals via the back door of the vicarage for only £20, Mary's favourite is a sausage in cider, we think that's a meal.Tenpasenta Kids
Visiting timetable:
10am
12pm
2pm
4pm
We hope to see you soon.
As seen on BBC South Today
Back
ABOUT US HISTORY DEATH MATERNITY RETIREMENT GERIATRIC CARE
WEDDINGS OVER50PLAN FUNDRAISING HUMANITARIAN ROYAL VISIT KIDS CLUB
SELF STORAGE GOLD4CHURCH REMEMBRANCE GIFT SHOP JOBS ESTATE
next
     
Shite site
Email Us
Who made this crap? Budget Funerals Premium Funerals  
Twitters
Publisher
Copyright M. Collyer
Disclaimer: All products and services promoted on this site are fictional, however feel free to donate money as I’m broke.
 
BBC One review my websites