Private Maternity care in Southampton

MATERNITY

Southampton maternity

We have been delivering no frills religion for nearly 170 years, in 2002 we decided to enter the delivering of babies game too. We offer the very highest quality maternity care money can buy, all from our specially built premises in Woolston Southampton.
Our Midwives have been specially selected not just for their excellent qualifications, but also for having warm small hands with long fingers, Doctors are trained at the Royal veterinary college London and all auxiliary staff are mostly English speaking.

UNIT

Our birthing suites have been designed to offer a truly relaxing environment for our staff to work in, this involved using the best quality materials available, for example the furniture has been constructed using the same fake wood as that used in our premium coffin range, we feel it removes what is too often an overly clinical atmosphere during this time, plus it was cheap.
We understand that exposing your private parts during labour can be a little embarrassing to begin with, especially if too many family members are floating about with digital cameras, that is why we limit visitors to two during giving birth, unfortunately this can be a problem during a multiple births as this will clear the room of guests and maybe even the mother in no time.
If you have no family or friends to support you, our vicar is always happy to come and have a good look and he may even talk to you if you are attractive.

BIRTH

It is very common for new mothers to be to worry about the birthing process itself, remember giving birth is a very natural process amongst pregnant women, silly fears like whether you may poo yourself, be in excruciating pain, in need an episiotomy or even your own bleeding to death are just that, silly. Our experienced team has seen it all before, especially the higher than average deaths. The chances of dying during or because of child birth are about 1 in 100, winning the Lotto jackpot however is 1 in 14 million, so if you're the lucky type we would suggest you stay a virgin to be on the safe side.

If the second worst was to happen and your baby was to die, don't worry, because a Tenpasenta budget or premium funeral will be free*, every cloud and all that.
Pain relief is always on hand throughout the labour and is very effective according to husbands who always like to try it, but why they would want an epidural is beyond me. A dedicated bed for partners is in the birthing suite already, the bed may be used for him to relax or sleep during a long and boring labour, he may even like to be awoken at the birth.
*just pay for the coffin.

As a teenager, Mark the vicar would often earn an extra few quid from overpaid businessmen who played golf, they paid him to caddy for them, part of this involved retrieving golf balls from the holes, a golf hole is 10.8 cm wide, years of doing this has enabled him to accurately feel when a woman is fully dilated, which is as near as dammit the same size at 10 cm. He has assumed the position in our maternity unit of officially confirming the full dilation of all attractive mothers to be, it also brings him into contact with many women he has met during his work in the community, which gives the saying “looking up old friends” a whole new meaning.
Don't worry if you are not very attractive, Mark the vicar may still pop in to evaluate your dilation progress, practice makes perfect, and he likes to keep a hand in.

We often find it beneficial to induce labour, this is primarily done to speed up the process, and saves us paying trained staff just to monitor heart rates for hours on end. It's sometimes recommended expectant mothers should eat plenty of curry and engage in vigorous sexual intercourse before presenting themselves at our reception prior to giving birth, however if you didn't do this don't worry, both curry and sexual intercourse can be arranged by our eager catering staff.
It has become fairly common practice to give episiotomies when required to ease the birthing process, the pain associated with this is dulled by the excruciating pain many women feel when they were not given an epidural in time. Gags from Father's or boyfriends asking "can you stitch it back a bit tighter" will get our standard reply of "why, is your cock too small?", our other reply of "yes we will, your wife's fanny is now the size of a cows" goes down less well at this time with the mother.

WATER

A popular choice these days is the water birth, for some strange reason many women feel the use of water will ease the pain of childbirth. After being in the bath too long myself, and noticing how my fingers and toes turned soft and prune like, I guess the same principle applies in some way.
Mark the vicar has agreed to lease out part of his luxury outdoor swimming pool to those wanting a water birth, however due to health and safety reasons he stipulates that the birth must be during daylight hours, if dusk approaches and the mother to be is not ready to give birth, we will provide use of one of our golf buggies for a small fee to transport them to our main maternity unit for normal women.

SCAN

	We invited serial pregnant Carol Smilie to open our new "Carol Smilie" baby scanner room, (now known as the second door on the left).

Using the very latest scanning technology, our new scanner produces true 3D images with details unimagined in the 1930's. Parents are given the option of terminating a pregnancy based not only on professional medical opinion regarding genetic abnormalities, but on how ugly their baby looks too.

We understand the embarrassment that having an ugly child can bring to a good looking couple, it's often been used as grounds for divorce by parents who can't face seeing their ugly offspring on a daily basis, and as an excuse for grandparents never to visit.
Save your marriage, save your blushes, get 3D scanned.

INFO

In an emergency we have two operating theatres for caesarians. For those women "too posh to push" we would like to remind them that a caesarian is a major operation and not a soft option for affluent women who want to keep their crinkly parts intact, however as we are a business please feel free to book a convenient delivery date.

Daily for two hours all babies are exposed to the vicar's special indoctrination tapes, it's good to teach infants the benefits of donating money to the Tenpasenta Church.
It's a harmless process adapted from the secret BBC system used to make the British population pay their TV licence without question.

Cervical models help teach our younger team members the ins and outs of the job, by learning to feel the differences between cervical models, our staff will learn to detect the critical cervical changes associated with pre-term labour, although it has recently been noticed that these models may have been misused by some of our more unattractive male staff.
Our team have also been trained using our state of the art expectant mother dummy, and with easy access to cadavers to heighten their skills, you know your in the safest hands that money can buy when you give birth with us.

Unlike some other real Churches, we support the use contraception, however if you were to get pregnant on purpose good luck, with all the possible complications you may well need it, anyway thanks for the business whatever the outcome.


		vicar@tenpasenta.org

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