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Tenpasenta Church
Southampton
 
 
 

Maternity Care

 
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SOUTHAMPTON MATERNITY UNIT

not a baby yet? Maternity care unit Southampton.
We have been delivering no frills religion for over 170 years, during 2002 we decided to enter the delivering of babies game too. We now offer the very highest quality maternity care money can buy, all from our specially built maternity hospital here in Southampton.
We are a centre of excellence for maternity care, providing a limited choice of birth options including water birth and our exclusive "take it or leave it" option, if you walk in off the street about to burst you will be quoted an extortionate delivery price, "take it or leave it".
Our Midwives have been specially selected not only for their excellent qualifications, but also for their small warm hands that are well practiced in reaching for the last Pringle, Doctors are selected from all over India and Pakistan, and our auxiliary staff are mostly English speaking.
Southampton Maternity care myleene klass

SCANNER UNIT

Using the very latest in scanning technology, our new scanner produces true 3D images with details unimaginable in the 1930's.
Parents are now given the option of terminating a pregnancy based not only on professional medical opinion regarding genetic abnormalities, but now on just how bloody ugly their baby looks too.
Tenpasenta Maternity We understand the embarrassment having an ugly child can bring a good looking couple, it's often used as grounds for divorce by a parent who just can't face seeing their ugly offspring on a daily basis. It's even used as an excuse for grandparents never to visit.
Save your marriage, save your blushes, save up your money for a Tenpasenta 3D scan. £500
Southampton ugly baby scanner Not an ugly baby
Ugly baby
Due to popular demand we have an 11 month waiting list for abortions.
 
     
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BIRTHING SUITES

Pregnant tummy Swallow WingUnfortunately giving birth isn't like we were told as a child, so we have invested in beautiful birthing suites, they have been designed to offer a truly relaxing environment for our staff to work in, this involved using the best quality materials available, for example the furniture has been constructed using the same fake wood as that used in our premium coffin range, we feel it removes what is too often an overly clinical atmosphere during this time, plus it was cheap.
We understand that exposing your private parts during labour can be a little embarrassing to begin with, especially if too many family members are floating about with digital cameras, that is why we limit visitors to two during giving birth, unfortunately this can be a problem during multiple births as this will clear the room of guests, the midwife and maybe even the mother in no time.
If you have no family or friends to support you, our vicar is always happy to come and have a good look, he may even talk to you if you are attractive.
birthing suites birthing suites
GIVING BIRTH
It is very common for new mothers to be-worried about the birthing process itself, remember giving birth is a very natural process amongst pregnant women, silly fears like whether you may poo yourself, loud fanny farts, be in excruciating pain, in need of an mangled episiotomy, or even your own bleeding to death are just that, silly ideas, however all are very possible.
Our qualified midwives have seen it all before, especially the higher than average deaths for this part of Europe. demerol
The chances of dying during or because of childbirth are about 1 in 100, winning the Lotto jackpot however is 1 in 14 million, so if you're a lottery winner or just the the lucky type we would suggest you stay a virgin to be on the safe side. However if you ever found yourself at deaths door during labour we'd pull you through.
Mark the Vicar
giving birth If the second worst was to happen and your baby were to die, don't worry too much, because a Tenpasenta budget or premium funeral will be free*, every cloud......
Pain relief is always on hand throughout the labour, and is very effective according to husbands who always like to try it, but why they want an epidural is beyond me. A dedicated bed for partners is in the birthing suite already, the bed may be used for him to relax or sleep during a long and boring labour, he may even like to be woken up to see the birth, remember that watching the birth is like seeing their favourite toy ripped apart and could put them off sex for a year or more, you should consider this first.

*just pay for one of our overpriced infant/foetus coffins.
cervical As a schoolboy Mark the vicar would earn a few quid from overpaid businessmen who played golf, he became caddy at the weekends, part of this involved retrieving golf balls from the holes, a golf hole is 10.8 cm wide which is as near as dammit the same size as a fully dilated cervix of 10 cm, this valuable experience enabled him to accurately feel when a woman was ready to give birth.
He assumed the position in our maternity unit of officially confirming the full dilation of all attractive mothers to be, it also brought him into contact with many women he has met during his work in the community, which gives the saying "looking up old friends" a whole new meaning.
Don't worry if you are not very attractive, Mark the vicar may still pop in to evaluate your dilation progress, practice makes perfect, and he likes to keep a hand in. His services may discontinue without notice depending on whether the authorities find out what he's up to.
Mark the Vicar
Giving birth It is often beneficial to induce labour, this is primarily done to save us paying highly trained staff just to monitor heart rates for hours on end and free up some beds, for those who still drag out the labour after being induced we'll probably whip it out by caesarean.
An old wives' tale suggested that expectant mothers should eat plenty of curry or engage in vigorous sexual intercourse before presenting themselves at our reception, however if you didn't do this both curry and sexual intercourse can be arranged by our male catering staff, sex is free of charge.
It is common practice to give episiotomies if required, the pain associated with this is dulled by the excruciating pain many women feel when they were not given an epidural early enough.
Jokes from husbands or boyfriends asking "can you add an extra stitch" will get our standard reply of "you've only a small knob then?" which mothers love, however our other reply of "I'll make it 3 stitches, her fanny is now the size of a recycling bin" goes down less well.
   
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WATER BIRTH
A popular choice these days is a water birth, for some strange reason many women feel the use of water can ease the pain of childbirth. After being in the bath too long myself, and noticing how my fingers and toes turned soft and prune like, I assume the same principle applies to vaginas in some way.
Mark the vicar has agreed to lease out part of his luxury outdoor Tenpasenta fingerswimming pool to those wanting a water birth, however due to health and safety reasons he stipulates that the birth must be during daylight hours, if dusk approaches and the mother to be is not ready to give birth, we will use one of our golf buggies and take them to our maternity unit to be treated as normal women.
We charge £550 extra for water births to cover cleaning up, if they would like the pool heated this will increase to £850 and 12hours notice to warm the water in the Olympic sized pool. Bring your other children if you have them and make a day of it.
Water birth
ORGASMIC BIRTH
It has come to our notice that some woman claim to have an orgasm while giving birth, an event that mostly happens when an attractive male midwife is working on an equally attractive mother to be.
We are not completely sure how real or how often this experience occurs, but we wish all ladies good luck with it.
As we are a caring maternity home, it is our job to offer every convenience during labour, this now includes a guaranteed vaginal orgasm during childbirth. With careful use of the latest Black Mamba super sized Rabbit vibrators, handled by one of our Professional orgasm team, the lack of pain killers for this service guarantee a fun yet painful time.
Please book our Guaranteed orgasm service at least 15 days before your due date, failing to pre-book could mean Brian the vicar standing in to give oral stimulation during your labour, not such a pleasant thought.
Talking of unpleasant thoughts many women suffer urinary incontinence after giving birth, apart from being embarrassing for those concerned, it also leads to bloody awful TV adverts for these "whoops moments". If you become effected by this ask for our free DVD full of useful tips, including "how to walk cross legged" and "buying shares in Tena".
ORGASMIC BIRTH
C-SECTION
Obstetrics for Dummies In case of an emergency delivery we have two operating theatres for caesarean sections always ready to go.
For those women who are "too posh to push" we would like to remind them that a caesarian section is a major operation and not a soft option for affluent women in society who just want to keep their crinkly parts intact! However as we are also in the maternity game as a profit making business please feel free to book a convenient delivery date that suits your busy schedule.
C-Section
BREECH
In the event of a complicated breech delivery our midwives are on hand to give the highest possible care, their expertise with messed up deliveries means they are only a telephone call away to doctors from Princess Anne’s maternity hospital who can actually deal with them.
Rest assured that we will only call the NHS when we've totally ballsed up, for example the poor girl pictured right having a right old time of it when her son decided to try all available exits thanks to tearing through the rectovaginal fascia and presenting an arm out of her anus, she only had to wait 65 minutes for a doctor after this, which isn't bad as he had to collect our Chinese takeaway en-route.
Anal delivery
external-cephalic-version
VENTOUSE
ventouse Some babies (like the vicars' son) may require extra help getting out, whether the mother has run out of squeeze, or if just a bit tight. Our staff may use forceps or maybe a ventouse to get them out.
Remember newborn babies rarely look as nice as those on TV, they can be squashed and horrible looking, so be prepared. The ventouse can leave the baby with an elongated head, so would you if you'd just been extracted by a Daleks plunger, it only lasts a few days, if lucky.
baby
PERINEUM OIL
PERINEUM OIL Perinium oil At around 34 weeks into your pregnancy we recommend the use of Tenpasenta own brand Perineum massage oil.
By rubbing our unique blend of oil into the area around the vagina, and about 1"-2" inside remembering to apply extra pressure towards the anus, we believe you could dramatically reduce the need for an episiotomy, it's also great for masturbating with.
We have basic massage oil 15w40 for normal people at £8.99 per litre, or for the classy pregnant lady our fully synthetic 0w40 uniquely blended for the more attractive vagina at only £24.99 per litre.
Vagina Massage overstimulation
 
     
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REMEMBER
Tenpasenta baby Remember when you look into your new babies eyes that this could be the person who decides your future geriatric care, the one who will go through your belongings after you have died throwing away your lifetimes collection of personal knick knacks, and maybe the only family member present at your funeral. indoctrination
TRAINED
maternity team All of our expert maternity team and midwives have been trained using state of the art expectant mother/infant Medical Manikins, these ultra realistic dummies have been trimmed with real hair from Gaylord's wig shop, and really do look and act like many of our lower class customers.
Further training in messing about with ladies intimate bits is thanks to our easy access to cadavers at our mortuaries.
You know your in the safest of hands when you choose to give birth with Tenpasenta maternity care, though not the cheapest.
maternity team
cervical models Cervical models also help teach our younger team members the ins and outs of the job, by feeling the differences between the cervical models, they will learn to detect the critical cervical changes associated with pre-term labour without having to call Mark the vicar for advice.
It has recently been noticed that some of these models may have been misused by some of our more unattractive male staff for some unknown reason.
cervical models
TENPASENTA PLACENTA CONDOM
Placenta With the latest craze of using the human placenta as everything from shampoo to art, we at the Tenpasenta Church are introducing our own brand of condom made from 100% placenta, the Tenpasenta Placenta Condom.Tenpasenta Placenta condom
Based on technology not seen since the production of animal colon condoms in the 1900's, these quality condoms can be used up to 100 times, and the magical power of the placenta not only gives a natural feeling for the man that many have described as wanking into an old sock, but the added girth means that during sex the post natal vagina need not contract so much in the hours after giving birth, giving slight relief, especially after a tricky episiotomy.
You can donate your own placenta or just buy from our large stocks of Tenpasenta Placenta Condoms, only £250.
   
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FOOTNOTE
Mark the vicar Tenpasenta
quoteI would like to reassure all potential maternity customers that I guarantee the best care during your time with us.
Contrary to popular belief I do not celebrate the demise of anybody, it is however a fact that I have covered all the bases and if you choose Tenpasenta Group as your carer I could potentially profit personally from you and your family from birth to death.quote
Churches have been doing this forever and my endeavours to become a major supplier of feeder services to Church style ceremonies is the future of my modern profit making Church. Welcome to Tenpasenta.
Mark the vicar
As seen on BBC South Today
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ABOUT US HISTORY DEATH MATERNITY RETIREMENT GERIATRIC CARE
WEDDINGS OVER50PLAN FUNDRAISING HUMANITARIAN ROYAL VISIT KIDS CLUB
SELF STORAGE GOLD4CHURCH REMEMBRANCE GIFT SHOP JOBS ESTATE
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