Here at the Tenpasenta Church we recognise how important it is to be
shipped off to a decent retirement home, preferably one of your own choice.
Nestled in a quiet corner of our Church Estate in
Woolston, Southampton, we have invested in two such homes dedicated to providing the very best in senior
care. Recently opened is our secure retirement housing block, comprising of
70 single apartments and 26 double apartments which reflects just how many lives are
ruined by the loss of a loved one, usually the men, which is a bugger if you're a man trying to plan ahead.
Our second block due to open late 2009 is a nursing
home catering for those dependant on others for their care.
Above you can see a view of the South facing side of our home, not only do rooms benefit from extra sunshine, but beautiful views
too, including the Wutachytole cemetery, green fields used for green burials, and a road. To make one of these special apartments yours, visit us today.
All floors have elevator access so are ideal for for those too old and worn out to use our grand staircase, which is a shame because it cost a fortune to build.
Our beautiful retirement home is located conveniently on the main bus route to Southampton City
centre and Sainsbury's, with buses running every fifteen minutes which is very convenient, this is a real bonus for our residents, or it would be if there was bus stop within half a mile.
WOOLSTON
WELCOME
Our front
entrance lobby is a very important part of our home as first impressions set the feeling of true luxury that
may lay beyond, which is important when your relatives finally find out just how much we charged you when you're dead.
We have installed here at great cost post boxes for every room, we felt that this central system was ideal for tenants liking a bit of regular exercise in the morning, it also gives our post lady extra time for a cup of tea and a cigarette.
All of our rooms come fully furnished, so doing your own house clearance
before moving in is a great way of down sizing, and ridding yourself of personal junk. Why not take advantage of our good value self storage facilities.
Each room includes a free "personal panic system" which could be life saving if you were to fall or became ill. This invaluable system is accessed by a pressing a simple to remember number "999" on your own telephone.
Mark the vicar has added
a nice wooden bench to the front porch after seeing how old and worn out our residents look.
The bench itself had been standing on that very spot for over ten years
before the home was built, a small brass plaque on it reads "In memory of Peter Loudly, he loved the view from this place", we're sure he would think the same today, and if we can track him down we'll ask him.
Decor by Mother Vicar®
Mother Vicar, Mother of Graham and Mark the vicar has helped oversea the decoration of many of the retirement home apartments.
Being a long time fan of ITV's 60 minute makeover, means she has attained a vast knowledge of what looks "nice" if not done very well in reality.
Looking nice is adequate for any Tenpasenta retirement apartment, as for living with some of these outrageous designs, well that's not our problem, as long as they look "nice" when looking in through the front door, if that's good enough for Mother Vicar, then it's good enough for us and you.
BONUS
Using our immense buying power, we have been able to provide free Adjustamatic™ beds and chairs in every
apartment that is purchased with cash.
If you were to buy this furniture yourself, the salesman would need to offer you a substantial free gift to close the deal, because basically it's all just a lot of overpriced crap.
For those interested we have
£18,000 worth of M&S vouchers for sale at reception, 700 Parker pens, 20 15" TFT style televisions, and 20 FM/MW clock radios (just what you need when you've just retired).
FURNISHING
Each landing has a cosy sitting area complete with low maintenance
plastic flowers, these are ideal spots to meet friends, especially if you've just stunk
up your apartment after a big crap. They all face northwards over the large car park
and are very popular with residents checking to see if their relatives have bothered to
visit, and then grumble that nobody comes to see them, even though they did
only yesterday.
The picture above shows a typical entranceway to every floor, each tastefully designed by
Mother vicar, in fact they are all identical, and this has kept many of our tenants with
Alzheimer's busy for several hours trying to get home.
We currently offer access to FREE high speed wireless internet, although when our dozy neighbour Brian notices he didn't enable his
WEP security key this service may stop.
Mark the vicar recommends couples choose one of our larger double apartments, not just because they cost
hell of a lot more which is good for us, but because when your partner or companion does die, the extra space you get is a great bonus, one of the real highlights of having a death in the family, lets hope it's them and not you, either way one of you will benefit!
So when you choose the remainder of your joint like together, bare it in mind.
Children children children, at the Tenpasenta Church we love children, in fact many of our residents went to school with them. This is why we have lined our streets with CHILD BOLLARDS, all manufactured at our crematorium extras department. Every apartment has a view of at least one. Imagine the joy these bring the neglected elderly, a chance to buy an ice cream in the summer, and a Christmas present at.......Christmas.
ACTIVITIES
Keeping fit has never been easier than using by our
gym, packed with great exercise machines as seen on Bid-Up TV, we even a provide a gym instructor twice a week to help you tone up. When you've finished you can relax in the tea area where
we offer 5 different beverages, including Bovril.
Each night in our community room we like to play Bingo, prizes include discount funeral coupons, Izal toilet paper and Neutradol Original. We sing-along to wartime songs on
Fridays regardless of the fact most here were barely kids during the war, a truly a stimulating
schedule.
One of the most fulfilling ways an elderly resident can wile away the time of their final years in our home before dementia sets in, is by continuing a favourite hobby here.
We' are happy to say that world famous water colour artist Lucy La Stick, is now a resident with us.
She has already painted some beautiful new artwork, mostly of things she has seen on trips around the Tenpasenta estate, she has kindly donated them to us to display around the retirement home, and we look forward to selling these after she dies for a fair few quid.
We also have one of the countries few indoor three hole golf courses, this is an excellent facility, offering all the excitement of a far larger course without the trouble of a walking more than a few feet.
Great care has been taken to make even the most difficult hole an easy hole in one, even for those with Parkinson's disease. Many have pointed out the fact that this is a very simple to remember course, but we remind them that residents with short term memory loss due to Alzheimer's will find a new and interesting golf course here every day.
WORK
Plenty of local work is available for the elderly, all just a bus ride away. Boost your pension to help pay your bills, from what we can see you can work until you drop, and if you were to work for DIY chain B&Q, I'm. sure you could get some discount chipboard that could be used for a home made coffin.
You can't go wrong.
WORD
"Many call these your autumn years, which is nice because Christmas is just around the corner. You may find that you require a retirement home sooner than you thought, especially if you've been in a coma for thirty years, why not put aside your dreams of retiring to the Seychelles and choose Britain’s top retirement home here in beautiful Southampton. Situated within walking distance of the staff car park, this secure accommodation is ideal for you and your partner as you both slip into senility, our tenants are guaranteed one free budget funeral after just five years of living with us, you will also qualify for automatic acceptance into our expensive geriatric home, should you still have some equity, what better peace of mind can there be?
Welcome to Tenpasenta retirement."
