|
 |
 |
| ABOUT |
| It all began when New York funeral director Jesse Collyer overheard some young ladies talking about how they all paid ten percent of their income to their Church, this was done in the form of Tithe money, apparently they were all more than happy to do this, as the scriptures had urged them to give in gratitude for the many ways in which God had blessed them, this sounded like money for old rope to Jesse and the "10% Church" was born, Jesse nearly fell off the ladder he was spying from in his haste to tell the girls of his new Church, a Church where there were no rules, no daft 2000 year old stories, no frills, he even guaranteed a life after death for all subscribers, if that was not good enough he offered discounted funerals too. He quickly convinced them to join his Church and give their tithe money to him. |
|
Member numbers rose steadily from just a few big breasted beauties, to thousands of less attractive people within weeks.
Members soon became known as "The Ten percenter's" and it is from this Jesse renamed the 10% church the now world famous Tenpasenta Church. To help avoid confusion between member's and non-member's Jesse developed the "Tenpasenta sign", a visual technique used not only to recognise each other, but also to pass on the Tenpasenta word to the ignorant and the anti-social, this sign was the raising of the middle finger (one in ten fingers 10%) and gesturing it towards the chosen target, it quickly became a popular symbol and is still in common use today the world over, although many may have forgotten the signs true origin and meaning. |
| Jesse had long known that most of these weak willed individuals had only gone to Church in the first place because they expected a life after death, and when other deluded individuals found out about his guaranteed afterlife they too were gagging to buy into this great offer. |
| TODAY |
| It pays you, to pay us. |
Are you getting old, worried about whether or not you will go to an afterlife, possibly in Heaven? By joining the Tenpasenta Church and taking out a subscription to one of our afterlife plans, you're guaranteed that dream will become true, no matter how horrible you've been or how ugly you are. When your time does come to peg it, be sure you're up to date with your Afterlife payments, then give the Grim Reaper our Tenpasenta sign and you will be fast-tracked to Saint Peter's gate and your life of eternal bliss. This is the kind of service that VIP's get at airports, just imagine the added luxury of not having to queue with the non-Tenpasenta scum who we all know can't get past afterlife immigration anyway. This is just one of the perks being a member brings you, and remember if you book one of our Premium funeral packages, your mortal remains will be in good hands too. |
Give the sign. |
 |
 |
| WHO? |
   |
| MARK |
 |
Mark the vicar was born at a very early age in 1965, he was part of a very large family but only knew about the other 12 half brothers and sister after his rich Father's death in 2001. Educated to a very high standard in the nearby village of Chandlers Ford, he obtained both a CSE in photography and P.E. but with thanks to a hefty grant from the Tenpasenta Church he went to Eton College to learn about vicering as a business, he dropped out after the first year of the two year course but still displays his half eton diploma to anyone who can bothered to look. Being head vicar at an establishment like the Tenpasenta Church is a dream job for anybody, just imagine the salary, it also gives Mark a valuable position in society, one that lesser mortals can only aspire to, unless they too inherit vast wealth or become a celebrity. |
| GRAHAM |
 |
Vicar Graham is Mark's older brother, although going by the looks you wouldn't know they were related, he declined to chance to become Head vicar, instead pursuing his passion for carpentry and became a full time electrician. Lured back to the Church by the offer of a regular high income and a cushy job he became sales manager, thanks to his massive input into promoting the Tenpasenta brand, we have seen bespoke coffin sales go through the roof with sales up 400% in 2009 when we only sold one in 2008. |
| JEAN-PAUL |
 |
Vicar Jean Paul is a new relative from Paris, he spent 20 years as a connoisseur chef at the first Mc Donald's in the Louvre gallery. Bringing his experience to the Premium crematorium has certainly changed our views on cremating, just as it did at Mc Donald's when he cremated their burgers for a living. If you buy a Premier cremation from us you will surely appreciate his unique services. |
| MARY |
 |
Sister Mary is not Mark the vicar's sister, but a cousin, she joined the Church at the age of sixteen and has been the focal point of many visitor's amorous glance since, although few have looked higher than her chest. Mary runs our kids club and columbarium tours, and is more than happy to get involved in peoples wedding receptions when drink is involved. |
| LESLEY |
 |
East End born Vicar Lesley was brought up with the morals of a thug, he started entering bare knuckle fights against visiting Pikeys at the age of 5, from what we hear he never won, but broke the knuckles of many of his opponents due to the perspex goldfish bowl he wore over his head. His personality is perfect to handle our Budget division customers, many of whom come from such a low class that few of us here can understand a word they say, but money is money from whatever pocket, just depends how much you can get out of it. |
| BRIAN |
 |
Neighbour and general do all know nothing. Brian owns the house next door to our new retirement home, in exchange for letting us build it in his garden we let him do odd jobs around the estate, to show that he is staff he wears a company dog collar and gets the name vicar, although we do not pay him. If you would like to meet Brian, and buy an autograph please remember he is not on site Monday mornings as he goes to his special needs clinic, whatever that is. |
||
| CHURCH |
 |
 |
A warm welcome awaits everyone except the very poor at our Premier Church, visit and find out about the many ways in which you can give us money, or maybe buy one of our Church style services.
We have a private members bar open daily, why not come along and sample our overpriced range of beverages. Those deemed not to be dressed fancy enough will be directed to our budget church or ejected from the grounds altogether. There is Free to use cash dispenser on the south side of the Church, We hear that you can withdraw up to £300 per day from this machine, we can't see how this small amount of money is useful to anybody, but it's the banks rule not ours. |
 |
 |
| FINANCE |
 |
|
 |
| Mark Collyer our Head vicar, has been in charge of the Tenpasenta Church for over 23 years, and it is under his careful guidance that we have seen a vast growth in profits, meaning that as our sole shareholder he has seen his investment grow by 196% year on year. We are the only Church in the UK to be listed in the FTSE 100 share index. Only the Church of England still holds more valuable property assets, but with recent lucrative acquisitions made during this global financial crisis, our portfolio is projected to equal this within the year. |
|
| LIMO |
| It is very important that religious leaders like Mark the vicar, travel in luxury and security, it was decided to buy this year's car from the great British car manufacturer Cadillac, the cabin area the vicar will occupy includes an extensive executive compartment, this features seating for important meetings on the go, a good view of the outside world is through several inches of bulletproof glass, it has "useful mobile office features", many details of the limo's extensive security features remain shrouded in the utmost secrecy, as does the cost of |  |
£2,000,000. Mainly used for the journey to the Job centre and back, this years limo will certainly turn some heads. Flashing strobe and emergency lighting will be built in, along with run flat tyres, and immense armoured plating. Don't expect the windows to open for a friendly wave from the vicar, they are sealed shut. It is also four-wheel drive, ideal for cross country escapes from Jehovah's witnesses and other religious fanatics. This car will join his current fleet of 11 Rolls Royces, 5 Bentley's and 4 Jaguar's. |
| VISITORS |
 |
Our luxurious visitor centre is situated at the front of our self storage warehouse/mortuary, it's a very convenient place to leave your donations. Our reception staff can give you information and directions to our facilities. The Book of Remembrance is located here too, and has very convenient wheelchair access once passed the stairs. We have recently added our contact details to the popular 118-118 directory, when they bother to tell us their phone number we'll put it here. |
|
 |
||
| THANKS |
 |
|
| LOCATION |
 |
 |
|
 |
||
  |
|
 |
|
 |
 |
