About the Tenpasenta Church Southampton.

ABOUT

It all began when New York funeral director Jesse Collyer overheard some young ladies talking about how they all paid ten percent of their income to their Church, this was done in the form of Tithe money, apparently they were all more than happy to do this as the scriptures had urged them to give in gratitude for the many ways in which God had blessed them. This sounded like money for old rope to Jesse and the "10% Church" was born, he nearly fell off the ladder he was spying from in his haste to tell the girls of his new Church, a Church where there were no rules, no daft 2000 year old stories, no frills, he even guaranteed a life after death for all subscribers, if that was not good enough he offered discounted funerals too. He quickly convinced them to join his Church and give their tithe money to him.		Member numbers rose steadily from just a few big breasted beauties, to thousands of less attractive people within weeks. Members soon became known as "The Ten percenter's" and it is from this Jesse renamed the 10% church the now world famous Tenpasenta Church. To help avoid confusion between member's and non-member's Jesse developed the "Tenpasenta sign", a visual technique used not only to recognise each other, but also to pass on the Tenpasenta word to the ignorant and the anti-social, this sign was the raising of the middle finger (one in ten fingers, 10%) and gesturing it towards their chosen target, it quickly became a popular symbol and is still in common use today the world over, although many have forgotten the signs true origin and meaning.
	Reverend Jesse had long known that most of these weak willed individuals had only gone to Church in the first place because they expected a life after death, and when other deluded individuals found out about his guaranteed afterlife they too were gagging to buy into this great offer.

TODAY

Are you on the old side, worried about whether or not you will pass on to the afterlife, possibly even in Heaven and not just by haunting a local Victorian mansion? By joining the Tenpasenta Church Afterlife plan, and taking out at least a basic monthly subscription, you're guaranteed that your dream death will become a reality. It doesn't even matter how horrible you've been in life, or how ugly looking you are either pre or post mortem, you're in.
When your time does come to die you must remember to give the Grim Reaper our middle finger Tenpasenta sign (right) while shouting F. U!....F. U! (Fully Up-to-date) then you can expect to be fast-tracked to Saint Peter's gate for your perpetual existence of eternal bliss.
If however you lie about the status of your Afterlife plan you will receive a swift scythe in the genitals, which we believe will still hurt. You will not get the kind of service that VIP's expect at airports, you will have to queue with the non-Tenpasenta dead scum bags who we all know cannot pass the afterlife.
Basically pay up or give up on death.

APPEARANCES

WHO?

MARK

Mark the vicar was born at a very early age in 1965, he was part of a very large family but only knew about the other 12 half brothers and sister after his rich Father's death in 2001. Educated to a very high standard in the nearby village of Chandlers Ford, he obtained both a CSE in photography and P.E. But with thanks to a hefty bribe from the Tenpasenta Church he went to Eton College to learn about "Vicering as a business", he dropped out after the first year and took up Lepidopterology, he still displays his moth Eton diploma to anyone who can bothered to look.
Being Head vicar at an established Church is a dream job for anybody, just imagine the salary, it also gives Reverend Mark a valuable position in society, one that lesser mortals can only aspire to, unless they too inherit vast wealth or become a celebrity.

GRAHAM

Vicar Graham is Mark's older brother, although going by the looks you wouldn't know they were related, he declined to chance to become Head vicar and instead pursued his passion for carpentry and became a full time electrician on local building sites. Several of these housing developments that he had worked on burned to the ground within only a couple of years, although it was never proved that an electrical fault caused the fires, many inquests found he was present during their construction, it was not noticed that most of the dead were sent to Tenpasenta run funeral homes, funny that.
He was never prosecuted, so believe what you want. We think it was his fault, he couldn't change a bulb.
Lured back to the Church by the offer of a regular high income and a cushy job he became sales manager, thanks to his massive input into promoting the Tenpasenta funeral brand, we have seen bespoke coffin sales go through the roof with sales up 400% in 2009, we only sold one in 2008, you work it out.

JEAN-PAUL

Vicar Jean Paul is a "new" relative from Paris, he spent 20 years as a connoisseur chef at the first Mc Donald's fast food restaurant in the Louvre gallery.
Bringing his experience to the Premium crematorium has certainly changed our views on cremating, just as it did at Mc Donald's when he cremated their burgers for a living.
If you buy a Premier cremation from us you will surely appreciate his unique services, why not come behind the scenes after one of your family is cremated and share a glass of red wine as your loved one cooks, £45.

MARY

Sister Mary is not Mark the vicar's sister, but a cousin, she joined the Church at the age of sixteen and has been the focal point of many male visitor's amorous glance since, although few have looked higher than her ample chest, those who have looked her in the face soon give up and glance down again.
Mary runs our kids club and columbarium tours, and is more than happy to get involved in peoples wedding receptions when drink is involved.
Sister Mary can often be seen dressed as some kind of Nun, usually riding around the estate on a mobile piano we bought from Chessington World of adventure last year, if you see her riding past you on your next visit give her a donation, those things don't pay for themselves you know.

LESLEY

East End born Vicar Lesley was brought up with the morals of a thug, and an IQ to match.
His early life involved being entered into bare knuckle fights, usually against visiting Pikeys.
From the age of 5 he began his fighting career, from what we hear he never won a fight, but broke the knuckles of many of his opponents due to the Perspex goldfish bowl he wore over his head, this is how he earned his nickname of Knuckles, Bowl head, or Cheating little bastard.
His personality is perfect for handling our Budget funeral customers, many of whom come from such a low class that few of us here can understand a word they say, but money is money from whatever pocket, it's just a matter of how much you can get out of it.

MOTHER

Vicar Mother is the mother of Mark the vicar and Graham the vicar. Although knocking on in years she has a vital role in supervising the running of both geriatric home and retirement home.
Mark the vicar felt her advanced years would count as good experience for care of the elderly.
We didn't count on alzheimer's creeping up on her, which is a shame, as when she shows fellow alzheimer's sufferers around a potential property it can take all day, and still end up right where they started.

BRIAN

Neighbour and general do all know nothing Sub under vicar Brian.
Brian owns the house next door to our new retirement home, in exchange for letting us build it in his garden we let him do odd jobs around the estate, to show that he is staff he wears a company dog collar and gets the name sub under vicar, although we do not pay him.
If you would like to meet Brian, and buy an autograph from him, he could be anywhere, but please make note that he is not on site Monday mornings as he goes to his special needs clinic, whatever that is.

CHURCH

A warm welcome awaits everyone except the very poor at our Premier Church, visit and find out about the many ways in which you can give us money, or maybe book one of our Church style services. We have a private members bar open daily, why not come along and sample our overpriced range of beverages.
Those deemed not to be dressed fancy enough will be directed to our budget church or ejected from the grounds altogether.
There is Free to use cash dispenser on the south side of the Church, We hear that you can withdraw up to £300 per day from this machine, we can't see how this small amount of money is useful to anybody, but it's the banks rules not ours.

FINANCE

Rev. Mark Collyer our Head vicar, has been in charge of the Tenpasenta Church for over 24 years, and it is under his careful guidance that we have seen a vast growth in profits, meaning that as our sole shareholder he has seen his investment grow by 196% year on year.
We are the only U.K. Church to be listed on the FTSE 100 share index. Only the Church of England still holds more valuable property assets, but with recent lucrative acquisitions made during this time of global financial crisis, our portfolio is projected to equal this within the year.

	Share price move 3 months	Share price move 1 year	Market consensus	Yield
British American Tobacco	-6%	-13%	Strong buy	4.9%
Tenpasenta Church	+135%	+203%	Strong hold	140%
Imperial Tobacco	-9%	-27%	Strong buy	3.9%
BAE Systems	-5%	-21%	Strong buy	3.9%
FTSE 100	+9%	-30%	N/A	4.8%

The Tenpasenta funerals dual trading profit last year (2010) was £46,000,000, achieved from 100,334 funerals. We performed 4001 more funerals than in 2009, and profits are up £7.7 million.
£1.5m was invested in vehicles, 2.3m on out sourced cremations, and £1.1m in funeral advertising, the rest was spent on living it up.
Bond sales were up 29 per cent on 2009.
Pre-paid funeral plan sales are healthy. 8920 have been sold so far this year, 2288 more than budgeted for and 2319 more than last year.
And that's just in Southampton.
Source: Mark the vicar.

LIMO

It is very important that religious leaders like Mark the vicar, travel in luxury and security, it was decided to buy this year's car from the great British car manufacturer Cadillac, the cabin area the vicar will occupy includes an extensive executive compartment, this features seating for important meetings on the go, a good view of the outside world is through several inches of bulletproof glass, it has "useful mobile office features", many details of the limo's extensive security features remain shrouded in the utmost secrecy, as does the cost of

£2,000,000. Mainly used for the journey to the Job centre and back, this years limo will certainly turn some heads. Flashing strobe and emergency lighting will be built in, along with run flat tyres, and immense armoured plating. Don't expect the windows to open for a friendly wave from the vicar, they are sealed shut. It is also four-wheel drive, ideal for cross country escapes from Jehovah's witnesses and other religious fanatics. This car will join his current fleet of 11 Rolls Royce’s, 5 Bentley's and 4 Jaguar's.

VISITORS

	Our luxurious visitor centre is situated at the front of our self- storage/warehouse/mortuary, it's a very convenient place to leave your donations, especially if you worry about sending large sums through the post. Our reception staff can also give you information about, and directions to our many facilities. The Book of Remembrance is located here too, and has very convenient European standard wheelchair access, once passed the stairs. We have recently added our contact details to the popular 118-118 directory, and when they bother to tell us their phone number we'll put it here.

THANKS

By giving only 10% of your gross income to the Tenpasenta Church in the form of Tithe money, not only guarantees you an afterlife, but allows our staff to travel among the local community to the standards they have become accustomed to.

LOCATION

Mark the vicar

The Tenpasenta Church and all Tenpasenta group companies are controlled by the spiritual wisdom of Mark Collyer our Head vicar.
As our Head vicar was not educated to a very high standard you may notice many grammatical errors in his writings, we ask you to forgive him in the way he forgives all those who point out his mistakes in public.