The
Tenpasenta Church
Southampton
 
 
 

About Tenpasenta

 
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ABOUT US HISTORY DEATH MATERNITY RETIREMENT GERIATRIC CARE
WEDDINGS OVER50PLAN FUNDRAISING HUMANITARIAN ROYAL VISIT KIDS CLUB
SELF STORAGE GOLD4CHURCH REMEMBRANCE GIFT SHOP JOBS ESTATE
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TITHE HERE

Rev Jesse CollyerTithe machineThe Tenpasenta Church was founded in 1840 by New York funeral home owner Jesse Collyer.
Jesse had overheard some young ladies window shopping at his coffin shop, they were talking about how expensive his funerals were and compounded with the 10% Tithe money they already gave to the Church they feared the cost of a death could ruin them, they knew the attractions that the afterlife offered to the deceased were going to be great but those left behind may have years of struggle before it was their turn.
Apparently these church goers had been more than happy to pay 10% of their income in Tithe money as the scriptures urged them to show gratitude for the many ways in which God had blessed them, in this case giving the money to their church.
Confirmed atheist and entrepreneur Jesse thought that this all sounded like a lot of money for old rope, and he invented the 10% Church that very second. He nearly fell from the ladder he was spying from in his haste to tell the girls about his new Church. A modern Church where there were no daft 2000 year old stories, no need to ruin your Sunday lay in, Just the guaranteed life after death for all those subscribing to his church, a church that would coincidently cost the same as a tithe at 10% of your income, but a "Tithe without the trash!" and a discount on his funerals! It had long been a belief of Jesse's that weak willed churchgoers were only really interested in securing a life after death in the first place, a theory that was soon proved to be true.
tithe without the trash Within a matter of days from starting his new 10% church the membership grew from just an initial handful of big breasted beautiful young ladies, to hundreds, and then thousands of far less attractive people, and they were all gagging to pay him their 10% tithe money.
Tenpasenta LogoAfter time members called themselves The 10 Percenter's, and it's from this nickname Jesse derived the now World famous Tenpasenta Church.
To help avoid confusion between Tenpasenta members and common scumbags Jesse developed the "Tenpasenta sign". The Tenpasenta sign was a visual technique used not only to recognise other members, but as a method of passing the Tenpasenta word to the ignorant and the anti-social.
To make the sign just raise your middle finger (one in ten fingers = 10%) and gesture it towards your chosen target. It quickly became a popular symbol and is still in common use the world over, however many have forgotten the signs origin and meaning.
Tenpasenta system

TENPASENTA TODAY

Tenpasenta visitor centre and funeral sales The Tenpasenta Church now focuses on supplying feeder services to our lucrative Church style businesses, a niche other mainstream churches have failed to consolidate into their endeavours of manipulating the religious. We understand some major religions are still into education, but we are more interested in people after this expensive indoctrination process.
We like to use the fears created by the real church to promote sales in our Afterlife plans, and their ostentatious buildings as inspiration for our weddings and funerals.
 
     
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MARK COLLYER

Mark Collyer Head Vicar The Most Reverend Mark the vicar was born at a very early age in 1965, he is part of a very large family but only knew about the others after his wealthy Father's death in 2001, it's funny what money brings out of the woodwork.
Educated in the nearby village of Chandlers Ford, he obtained both a CSE in photography and art, qualifications which are totally useless to anybody, but with thanks to a hefty bribe from the Tenpasenta Church he went to Eton College to learn about how to manipulate the general public, a course popular with politicians as well as the Clergy.
Being a head vicar at an established Church is a dream job for anybody, just imagine the salary, it also gave Reverend Mark a valuable position in society, one that lesser mortals can only aspire to, unless they too inherit vast wealth or become a TV celebrity.
GRAHAM COLLYER
Vicar Graham Collyer The Right Reverend Vicar Graham is Mark's older brother, although before Mark was born he was an only child.
He declined the chance to become Head vicar and instead pursued his passion for carpentry becoming a full time electrician on local building sites. Several of the housing developments he had worked on burned to the ground within months, it was never proved that an electrical fault caused the fires, and it was overlooked that many of the dead were sent to Tenpasenta run funeral directors, coincidence? The jury is still out on that one.
Lured back to the Church by the chance of a regular income and a cushy job he became district sales manager for Church related products, thanks to his promotion of our bespoke coffin range our sales went through the roof with sales up 400% in 2009, we only sold one in 2008, you do the maths.
LESLEY COLLYER
Vicar Lesley Collyer The Venerable Vicar Lesley is an East End born relative who was brought up with the morals of a thug, and an IQ to match. His early life was like a script from a Guy Ritchie film but without the humour.
He began his fighting career aged 5 with bare knuckle fights against local Pikey kids for money, from what we hear he never won a single fight, but he did break the knuckles of many of his opponents due to the goldfish bowl he wore on his head, hence his nickname of Knuckles, he was also known as "Bowl head", "Space boy" and "You feeking feen cheating bassar" (old Pikey lingo), he responds to any of these.
His personality is perfect for handling our Budget funeral customers, many of whom come from such a low class that few of us here in the office can understand a word they say, but money is money from whatever pocket, it's just a matter of how much you can get out of it, and knuckles is very good at relieving people of their money, especially the bereaved.
   
You're buying an afterlife    
     
   
MARY COLLYER
Vicar Mary Collyer The Very Reverend Sister Mary is not Mark the vicar's sister, but a cousin, she joined the Church at the age of sixteen and has been the focal point of many male visitor's amorous glance ever since, though few have looked higher than her ample chest. Those who have looked higher soon glance down again.
Mary runs our kids club and columbarium tours, she is more than happy to get involved in peoples wedding receptions too when free drink is involved.
Sister Mary can often be seen dressed as some kind of Nun, usually riding around the estate on a mobile piano we bought from Chessington World of adventure, if you see her riding past you on your next visit please give her a donation, those things don't pay for themselves you know.
MOTHER VICAR
Mother Vicar The Reverend Canon Vicar Mother is the Mother of Mark and Graham the vicar's.
Although knocking on in years she has a vital role in supervising the running of both geriatric home and retirement home. Mark the vicar felt her advanced years would count as good experience for care of the elderly.
We didn't count on Alzheimer’s creeping up on her though, which is a shame especially when she shows fellow Alzheimer’s sufferers around a potential property, it can take all day, and they often forget why they started.
She will not be working her 14 hour shifts for much longer, so pop in for a look at a demonstration of how the blind lead the blind among the over 70's.
JEAN-PAUL LE COLLYER
Vicar Vicar Jean Paul The Reverend Vicar Jean Paul is a "new" relative from Paris, he spent 20 years as a connoisseur chef at the first Mc Donald's fast food restaurant in the Louvre gallery.
Bringing his experience to the Premium crematorium has certainly changed our views on cremating the dead, just as it did at Mc Donald's where he cremated their burgers for a living.
If you buy a Premier cremation from us you will be invited to come behind the scenes and enjoy a glass of red wine from Jean Paul's personal wine reserve as your relative burns, only £45 per person.
Jean Paul has dramatically lost weight recently, for details of his crematoria diet just send us £500.
 
     
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BRIAN COLLYER
Vicar Brian Collyer Neighbour and general do all know nothing Sub under vicar Brian.
Brian owns the house next door to our retirement home, we believe him to be Des the vicars illegitimate son, but the surname could just be a coincidence. In exchange for letting us build in his garden we let him do odd jobs around the estate, he wears a company dog collar and gets the name sub under vicar, we do not pay him.
If you would like to meet Brian, and buy an autograph from him he could be anywhere, but please make note that he is not on site Monday mornings as he goes to his special needs clinic, whatever that is.
MARCO (THE DON) COLLYONI
Marco (the Don) Collyoni Every good church requires a good accountant, and Marco Collyoni is our man.
Marco is based in the European tax haven of Vatican City in Rome, working alongside the Cardinal Vicario he has access to all kinds of financial malarkey essential for premier churches.
Marco is the only member of the Tenpasenta church team to actually believe in the God nonsense, and as such is not permitted to come within 5 nautical miles of the Tenpasenta estate in Southampton, although he does have a luxurious office in our Mayfair headquarters.
Marco we hear is a big wheel in the Sicilian Mafia, they call him Don Collyoni for some reason.
   
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Tenpasenta in the press
   
PREMIUM CHURCH
Rev. Mark Collyer
This 14th century building may be from the middle ages but it is by no means just for the middle aged, we do host prestigious weddings and funerals during the day, but each evening it becomes the hottest venue in Woolston for drink and revelry, the beer flows freely as we open the whole church to our main concern, the pub!
The Premium Church is now The Cock in Hand family pub.
THE COCK IN HAND PUB
 The Cock in Hand
A warm welcome awaits everyone except the very poor at The Cock in Hand.
Thanks to Church regulations we are able to open 24/7 365 days of the year!, so why not come along and sample our overpriced range of local and intercontinental beverages.
Of course drinking is not our main reason for opening the bar, just like any real religious institution we prioritise money raising for no real reason, so you can donate via one of our numerous fruit machines or cash collection points.
Church Bar Queen visits Southampton
There is Free to use cash machine on the south side of the Church. We hear that you can use it to withdraw up to £500 per day, we can't see how this small amount of money is useful to anybody trying to hit the jackpot or buy a large round of drinks, but it's the banks rules not ours.
Pall bearers wine tasting club every Wednesday morning. Crazy coffin carrying contest every Wednesday afternoon
Church cash machine Church window The Cock in hand
Try our Crazy Crucifix© internationally linked casino style fruit machines, and you could win up to £1million in tokens.
Church fruit machines Crazy Crucifixe fruit machine
Cock in hand   Gamble or donate to the church
If you were to get bored of drinking and gambling in the surroundings of a church why not visit the vicarage casino instead, this may involve gate crashing a wedding reception, but if they don't notice enjoy the free drinks and snacks! Well worth the five minute walk.
Premium Church interior
Church night club Dance the night away at our monthly Disco! The last Friday of every month we clear the lounge of tables and chairs to create a magnificent dance Cock in hand logofloor. If you have a funeral to attend the following Saturday why not dance and drink through the night as we don't bother to close!

Have the wake of a lifetime at The Cock in Hand!
 
     
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VISITING THE STARS
Rolf Harris meets vicar Being owner of an international Church does bring perks to our owner Mark the Vicar. For example charity wonder man Sir Jimmy Savile invited Mark to meet Rolf Harris at his Broadmoor estate in 1991.
Mark was surprised at the high security Rolf Harris has at his home but with all of his valuable artwork hidden somewhere it should have been expected. Mark the Vicar has become quite the celebrity himself, he once appeared on BBC1's Question time holding his hand up.
Question time Audience
VICARS LIMOUSINE
Vicars limo It is very important that religious leaders like Mark the vicar travel in luxury and security. We decided to buy an upgraded Cadillac from President Obama, if it's good enough for him it's just about good enough for our vicar.
The cabin area that the vicar will occupy includes an extensive executive compartment, this features seating for important meetings on the go, a view of the outside world is through several inches of bulletproof glass, it has useful mobile office features, many details of the limousine's extensive security remain shrouded in the utmost secrecy, as does the cost of £300,000.
Mainly used for the journey to the Job centre and back, this years limo will certainly turn some heads. Flashing strobe and emergency lighting is built in, along with run flat tyres, and immense armoured plating. It is also four-wheel drive, ideal for cross country escapes from Jehovah's witnesses and other religious fanatics.
Detailed layout of the Vicars new car
   
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VISITOR CENTRE
Our visitor centre is situated next to our mortuary complex. It's a very convenient place to leave your donations and find information about us.Disabled
Our Book of Remembrance, CoffinCam viewing area and toilets are located here too and has European standard wheelchair access once passed the stairs.
Visitor centre disabled access up the stairs
 
     
You're buying an afterlife
   
CORPORATE VIDEOS
Take a look at our fantastic videos, one professionally made by the BBC, the others cobbled together by a bloke with no video editing skills whatsoever, we think you'll agree that they're all crap.
Film Film
BBC South Our Tenpasenta compilation
Film Film
 
Film Film
Premium Funerals Budget Funerals
Film Film
   
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FINANCES
Mark the vicar
 
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Tenpasenta
imperial tobacco
bae systems
Rev. Mark Collyer has been in charge of the Tenpasenta Church for over 24 years, and it is under his careful guidance that we have seen a vast growth in profits meaning that as our sole shareholder he has seen his investment grow by 196% year on year.
We are surprisingly the only U.K. Church to be listed on the FTSE 100 share index.
As of 2017 only the Church of England holds more valuable British property assets, but we aim to surpass that by taking full advantage of the present economic downturn and as many repossessions as possible.
Film
Tenpasenta Church
Film
Tenpasenta funerals dual trading profit year (2010) was £46,000,000, achieved from 100,334 funerals. We performed 4001 more funerals than in 2009, and profits are up £7.7 million.
£1.5m was invested in vehicles, £2.3m on out sourced cremations, and £1.1m in funeral advertising, the rest was spent on living it up.
Bond sales were up 29 per cent on 2009.
Prepaid funeral plan sales are healthy, 8920 have been sold so far this year, 2288 more than budgeted for and 2319 more than last year.
And that's just in Southampton.
Disappointment as Mark the Vicar dropped two places on the Forbes rich list.
This fall has been put down to some misselling in the Budget funeral market place, although this money has only been set aside and he will fight every case in the courts for claims over £10.
On the happier side the drop in places does not reflect the actual cash increase in personal wealth by some 25%, bringing him to 4th with only $58.2 Billion.
Forbes 2013
Vicar Island
One of the advantages of being amongst the worlds richest is the ability to leave this country and stay on his own private Caribbean Island, Vicker Island.

Vicker Island is only two miles from billionaire pal Richard Branson’s Necker Island, just a bit bigger.
 
     
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TESTIMONIALS

Tenpasenta Church customer reviews
THANKS FOR LOOKING
Vicars old Rolls Royce
By giving only 10% of your gross income to the Tenpasenta Church in the form of Tithe money, not only guarantees you an afterlife, but allows our staff to travel among the local community to the standards they have become accustomed to.
The Tenpasenta Church and all Tenpasenta companies are controlled by the spiritual wisdom of Mark Collyer our Head vicar.
As our Head vicar was not educated to a very high standard you may notice many grammatical errors in his writings here, we ask you to forgive him in the way he forgives all those son's of bitches who point out his mistakes in public.
As seen on BBC South Today  
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ABOUT US HISTORY DEATH MATERNITY RETIREMENT GERIATRIC CARE
WEDDINGS OVER50PLAN FUNDRAISING HUMANITARIAN ROYAL VISIT KIDS CLUB
SELF STORAGE GOLD4CHURCH REMEMBRANCE GIFT SHOP JOBS ESTATE
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