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| The thought of dying can be a worry for some, especially those who are terminally ill, aircraft passengers, or just those in their "autumn" years. That's why we target most of our advertising to these vulnerable or worried groups, but you don't need to be dying soon to benefit, that's why we started the Guaranteed Over 50 plan. For over £50 a month you can guarantee yourself the afterlife you always dreamt of. This plan is backed by the Tenpasenta Church, Europe's largest and wealthiest secular Church and insurance underwriters, we specialise in offering the highest quality religious style experiences that money can buy, and that includes special deals made between us and higher imaginary authorities, enabling us to offer afterlife guarantees that real Churches can only offer without any form of guarantee just belief, can you believe that? By relieving your bank account of relatively small amounts of cash each month, you're in the Afterlife plan, simple as that! It will be a big relief to you on your deathbed knowing that you're just one step away from the afterlife and eternal bliss your daft enough to believe in, and it's all thanks to us. Contact our Afterlife direct team today, once you've joined, a special free welcome gift will be posted you. Act today to avoid the winter rush, (if it's winter now, hurry up). |
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| SUBSCRIPTION |
| Free gift for you. | Fees update. |  |
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We have changed our life long subscription to reflect the hardship many are feeling during this financial period, therefore from midnight on 22nd April 2009, Mark the vicar has declared a one off payment of only £4500 from anybody of ANY age is all that is required for a life subscription, all low income earners over 106 years old will get FREE membership! That's a guaranteed afterlife for nowt! There has never been a better time to join and guarantee you the afterlife you do, or don't deserve. Every life subscription not only includes an exciting free gift, but also free entry into the Tenpasenta Church estate, a usual charge of £5 per entry means the more you visit the more you save! Plus for a limited time if you wear your complementary vicar style dog collar when you visit, our real vicar's will let you do some unpaid work around the estate, this could hasten your transit to the Afterlife, if you are elderly or ill this is a truly great bonus. |
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| 10% Tithe standard. |
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As we all know the most secure way of getting to Heaven and the afterlife is through the regular tithe payment system of old, unlike other Churches who accept 10% of your cash for basically no return, we offer the afterlife you were indoctrinated into believing was real, and who are we to shatter your childish dreams? As long as your donation is larger or equal to our minimum payment plan, and is at least 10% of your income if you earn more, your safe transit to the afterlife is fully guaranteed. Remember the Tenpasenta Church is the only Church to guarantee eternal life and still give you Sundays all to yourself. |
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| THINK! |
Earn up to a 10% no claims bonus after 50 years! |
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| AFFORDABLE | ||
| Premiums range from £50 to £200 per month, but if you would like to pay a little more you can. | The first month’s premium is not free, benefit from knowing your own money is going straight into your chosen plan, ie our bank. | ||
| The premium you choose will never go down, and your cover will never go up, no matter what happens to your health relax in knowing your future afterlife is safe. | You will get a special gift to welcome you into the Plan. For each friend you invite to join us you will receive their free gift instead of them, which is sweet. | ||
| You need to keep paying into the plan every month throughout your life, if you were stop paying for any reason the Grim Reaper will delay your transit to the afterlife, he may even send you to the fires of Hell and eternal damnation! If you were to become seriously ill just before your death, be sure you informed a close friend about your payment dates, what better reason than to set up an everlasting direct debit? |
You have access to your local library or a real Church, where you can find out about the afterlife you've just bought in to. You will not believe how fantastic it sounds, all your dead fellow Tenpasenta Afterlife friends and family will be there in their peak of fitness as they once were when alive, even the aborted foetuses, somehow? Visit your Doctor regularly to keep track of how long you have left to live, roughly. |
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| ULTIMATE |
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Why not give the ultimate gift to the ones you love, that gift being a guaranteed afterlife, care of the Tenpasenta Church. Some may call it the gift money can't buy, but they are wrong, you can buy it from us at very good rates. Your loved ones don't even have to be nice people, for a one off payment of only £4500 and they are in. Once bought you will be emailed a blank afterlife gift voucher, you can then pass it on at that chosen time, imagine the joy and relief this gift will bring, especially to an elderly friend or sick relative. This gift is the ultimate gift, but once sold they cannot be returned as unwanted, we're not Marks & Spencer's you know. |
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| GUARANTEE |
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The Tenpasenta Church has been selling no frills Afterlife plans for 170 years, in that time nearly eight million people have signed up with us, and nobody that was confirmed dead has ever made a complaint. A ringing endorsement in itself for the quality of our sensational guaranteed Afterlife service. We are so confident that you will be fully satisfied with your efficient transit to the Afterlife that we have put in place a 30 day 100% refund guarantee. Full terms and conditions of our Afterlife guarantee are available to see in our "Red Book of Enlightenment" on written request. To claim a refund if not fully satisfied, simply fill in the form placed in your coffin within 30 days of burial or cremation, what other Church offers this kind of service? |
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