Best aid packages to Africa since they sent Aids to us

HUMANITARIAN

The best Aids to Africa since Africa sent Aids to us.

This financial year we focused our humanitarian aid package on drought stricken parts of Africa, following the lead of other charity business's like Oxfam, we put in place a well-paid management team to organise both fund raising efforts and the final delivery of a great aid package to those most needy in Africa.
After seeing adverts on TV for bottled water, and the pleasure it brought to those shown drinking it, Mark the vicar decided that water would be the ideal aid for us to take to Africa in 2008, but unlike other organisations who put their efforts into sinking wells so that locals have access to a long term water supply, we aimed far higher, we felt that they deserved no less than the same bottled water that those French people in the advert were drinking, plus the bottles themselves would be most welcome, a recent survey showed that up to 94% of all Africans wore old water bottles as shoes.

Reverend Mark the vicar took time out of his busy schedule to visit Africa and here is his report:

"I have to say that the poverty shocked me, I went to a beach just a stone’s throw from my private resort hotel, and found that none of the locals were there enjoying themselves, nobody swimming in the sea and the plush sunbeds lay empty. My limo driver told me that many local people hang around snooker halls and bars in town, others stay at home watching daytime television or even go to work for a living. I've never known anything like it, I knew from that moment the Tenpasenta Church was helping the right people. Much better than Oxfam helping the children of Ethiopia some years ago, from what I saw on TV at the time their stomachs were already huge from so much food that had been forced down them, far too bloated to need any more food, but that's what these "aid" people were still insisting on, a travesty, I believe mass gastric banding would have been more useful, but I'm not an expert."

Our first and only shipment flew out first class on July 18th which was calculated to be the hottest and therefore the neediest time for our bottled water to arrive, it also meant Mark the vicar was able to meet the shipment in person as it coincided with his holiday in the area. Not to waste any time, he passed the bottle to the first African looking gentleman he met in the business class lounge at Kisauni Airport, he was more than happy to accept it once the vicar had added some conveniently located ice and lemon, we were happy to help.	I would like to thank everybody who helped to raise money for the "Focus on Africa" appeal, it was a great success.
		Financial matters. Total raised £17,486,25p Fund management £15,000.00p Transportation £2,486,20p Bottle of water 5p

TITANIC

As a change to the usual we are doing something new. Being a caring Church, it's important to keep our finger on the pulse of local issues, back in 1912 a famous ocean liner the Titanic left Southampton for its maiden trip to New York.
Much to our surprise we have recently learned that it crashed and sank en-route, killing several rich people and even more poor ones, including the Golden Globe nominated actor Leonardo DiCaprio.
On that ship was two month old Millvina Dean, who luckily survived the incident.
She then grew up in Southampton area give or take a few hundred miles, during her life she lived through the Titanic sinking, two world wars, and worked as an assistant to a tobacconist helping expose lung cancer to thousands, when Mark the Vicar heard of her life he commented that the woman was a bloody jinx!
Now at the age of 97 she is the only living survivor of the sinking of the Titanic.
We were shocked to read in the Southern Daily Echo that she has been forced to sell all of her Titanic memorabilia and DVD's to pay for her £3000 a month nursing home costs, we also hear that she had to burn the autographed picture of herself and David Guest to help keep warm, no loss there then.
As from 1st June 2009, Mark the vicar has agreed to pay all of her nursing home costs, from that day onwards until the day she dies, a truly generous offer from the Tenpasenta Church.
It was after seeing her photo in the Southern daily Echo, Mark the vicar came upon a great idea and invited Millvina to our estate......

2009 World Record!
Thickest lenses in the world at 3½"

It's a proud moment in any Churches advertising, that someone as famous as Millvina Dean should break a world record in their Church. On 31st May 2009 Miss Dean visited the Tenpasenta Premium corpse viewing/Chapel of rest and officially broke the world record for having the thickest prescription lenses in the world, thanks to the recent death of the previous holder WWII hero Chitsu Nekku in April 2009 just after opening our new automated chapel.
Mildred enjoyed a celebratory snack of fish and chips and we haven't seen her since.

MALAYSIA

MALAYSIA AID 2011
As part of Mark the Vicars' "Help the world" campaign, 2011 saw him helping himself to the petty cash and jetting off to Malaysia. His 5 week excursion to the sun included a valued 5 minutes of tidying up at an Ipoh crematorium. The Chinese attendant gave the vicar a local name of "Chizin Gwailau" , which we believe to mean "The helpful one". Another worthy humanitarian aid package from the worlds most caring vicar. On a side note Mark the Vicar says the beer is not as cheap as Thailand.

DESIGNER

Following our success in 2007 we are doing the same again in 2010.
Remember we sent some designer goods to members of an impoverished tribe in Kenya? Well we recently received some photos in our email box from Peter, the Chief himself, and they all look very happy with their stuff, this is what prompted us to repeat this unique aid package.
The photo's below show the cost of each item compared to local living costs, flash or what?

419?

The other day Mark the vicar found an email that really touched his heart, and not just because of its money making potential, read the copy below and you will understand how important it is for us to collect money and send it to people like Cedric in Africa.