The
Tenpasenta Church
Southampton
 
 
 

Humanitarian Aid

 
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An afterlifestyle

WATER

Generic famine picture as used by Oxfam etc. Tenpasenta ChurchDuring our extensive research into African aid charities (which involved watching the adverts during daytime TV) we have noticed that all African children appeared to only drink stool water, many having to get up early and walk two miles or more to get it instead of moving closer. We also saw that only really sick and poor people appear on their expensive TV adverts, which must be a true reflection of life in Africa as we refuse to believe it to be cynical ploy by those very highly salaried charity directors trying to manipulate the emotions of watchers for their own financial gain.Mosi
As a result of our investigations we have decided to focus our own humanitarian aid package on drought stricken parts of Africa. Following the lead of major charity business's like Oxfam we put in place a well-paid management team to organise both fundraising efforts and the final delivery of a great water aid package to those most needy.
Unlike other organisations who put their efforts into sinking wells so that people can have access to a long term sustainable drinking water supply, we aimed far higher.
Mark the Vicar felt that they deserved no less than the same bottled water that all those white French people in the Evian T.V. adverts were drinking, especially as many of the impoverished parts of Africa were once French colonies.

TRAVEL

Collecting water in Africa somewhere Little Nourbese has to wake a 5 a.m. every morning and walk 6 miles to collect water for her family. The water she collects is pretty nasty stuff but it is the only water in the area.
It takes Nourbese 2 hours each way, walking in the heat of the African sun is no fun unless you're on holiday, and this is no holiday. What an awful way for a young girl to live.
The Tenpasenta Church felt it had to intervene in this situation that not only buggers up Nourbese on a daily basis, but hundreds of other children. After careful thought we came up with the suggestion they should move closer, job done and lives saved, thanks to the Tenpasenta Church.
walk for water

REPORT

Mark the vicar took time out of his busy schedule to visit Africa himself and see what all the fuss was about, and here is his report:

Quote"I have to say that the poverty shocked me, I went to a beach just a stone's throw from my private resort hotel, and found that none of the locals were there enjoying themselves, nobody swimming in the sea and the plush sun beds lay empty. My limo driver told me that many local people hang around the bars in town, others stay at home watching daytime television or even go to work for a living. I've never known anything like it, I knew from that moment that the Tenpasenta Church was going to be helping the right people. Much better than Oxfam helping the children of Ethiopia Quotesome years ago, from what I saw on TV their stomachs were already huge from so much food that had been forced down them, I believe mass gastric banding would have been more useful, but I'm no expert."

Mark the vicar

Mark Collyer
Mark the Vicar in Africa Mosi
Financial matters.
Total raised £17,486,25p
Fund management £15,000.00p
Transportation £2,486,20p
Bottle of water 5p
 
     
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ZANZIBAR

Zanzibar Water aid to Africa

DEPLOYMENT

The vicar gives water aid to local Our first and only shipment of luxurious French water flew out to Africa on July 18th, which was calculated to be the hottest and therefore the neediest time for our aid to arrive, it also meant Mark the vicar was able to deliver the shipment in person as it coincided with his holiday to the area.
Not to waste any time, he passed the bottle to the first African looking gentleman he met in the business class lounge at Kisauni Airport, he appeared more than happy to accept it once the vicar had added £500 to the photo op deal.
Humanitarian aid at its best.
Zanzibar
Better than Oxfam BETTER THAN OXFAM
If I donate £2 a month to Oxfam It would take 6250 years of my donations to pay one year of the CEO's Tenpasenta fingersalary. So I'm not going to bother. If you think like this why not send us your money instead, we may not do much with it but it will not line some directors pocket.
We once believed every donated pound went to the chosen charities for good causes, but most of it goes on their lucrative fundraising industry, the rest being put into an investment account for years on end and it's the interest from that that eventually goes to that sick kid or Aids victim, we believe that money should go directly to the needy and not the fat cat bankers.
Rest assured that when you donate to Tenpasenta humanitarian aid 20p in the pound should reach the impoverished the same year that you gave it! The rest we use for our own tax free expenses :-) it may not be right but it's honest.
   
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Nigeria What future for Emeka?
What future for Emeka?
tenpasenta promiseEmeka needs your help, his village has no running water except that which washes out of the sewers. Without your generous donations of much needed Mosi cash he has no future, his school will be overcrowded and his teachers illiterate farmers. He will turn to petty crime and-inevitably be the victim of vigilantes and burnt alive by necklacing.
Would you except this bleak future for your own family?

For only £15 per month donated to the Tenpasenta Church we can guarantee him and others like him a future to be proud of, just by supplying clean drinking water his life will change like magic (well they do in the TV adverts).

What future for Emeka?
With your help our not for profit organisation can change lives, for example Emeka's dream of a decent education and a future handling hundreds of millions of dollars daily for a major Nigerian bank will be a reality.

Please send just £15 per month or more to the Tenpasenta Church, and our highly paid management team will send camera crews and photographers all around Africa to find more sob stories, we may even do what we say by improving lives, but to be honest our own creature comforts will be a priority before dragging ourselves to that God forsaken dust bowl for that ungrateful lot..
As seen on BBC South Today
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