Premium death services

DEATH

“Into thy hands I commend my spirit” and into ours you commend your body.
Once we have received the call telling us of a persons sad demise their remains become very important to us, as it's from this time that we can start billing for the various and mostly unnecessary tasks that we will try to carry out on them. If funeral insurance is covering costs this will magically cover the price of the most expensive procedures, even if done with the cheapest materials.
We are able to collect the body from anywhere within a fifty mile radius of Southampton (except the Isle of wight, as driving our private ambulance onto the ferry upsets the passenger's) at no extra charge, although if it did cost us a lot we may increase the cost of something else, we're not a charity. Distances over fifty miles will incur a £5 per mile surcharge, so if they died in Scotland for example we suggest the family hire a van for the day and collect it themselves. Body bags are available at our reception desk from only £9, £35 for Premium customers.
Our mortuary/chill room warehouse was designed to provide cold storage for 800 tons of frozen vegetables, but since Tesco moved out it can now hold up to 500 bodies, with slots available to rent to local funeral directors.
We have 3 bodies in our special cryonics room that we received from America, the deceased were frozen over 30 years ago and expect to be defrosted and revived when scientists find a cure for their diseases, when they find a cure for gullibility we'll all have a drink, silly Yanks.

Waiting room, many of these are already sold/donated to science labs throughout Britain.

Above is a view of one of our large state of the art walk in mortuary/chill rooms, situated in the same warehouse as our value for money self storage units. (Our self storage units are an ideal solution for the deceased's now dispossessed possessions.) We have a separate Stinker fridge used to hold our more ripe clientele, we leave this section for the trainees to look after for obvious reasons.
For some unknown reason we separate male and female bodies, who knows what goes on when the lights are out, nothing worse than breeding Zombies I guess? We used to store in alphabetical order, but our American technician would put all unknown bodies under D for John or Jane Doe, which just confused matters to be honest.
Some people may worry that they will wake up in our mortuary, or even be buried or cremated alive after being mistakenly declared dead, rest assured after going through any of the following procedures guarantees 68% that it will not happen, except maybe the waking up in the mortuary part.... but as all Premium customers are hermetically sealed in stylish body bags we doubt it would ever happen, Budget customers however are another kettle of fish, good luck if that's you.

AUTOPSIES

Our special internet trained technicians will carry out private autopsies if requested to do so, prices start at only £1200, this will help determine the cause of death and could help in a lucrative insurance claim. We also offer specialist forensic autopsies from £2000, these are admissible in any court in England, but due to the language barrier not in Scotland or Wales, we're not sure about Northern Ireland but it's worth a bash if required. Forensic autopsies can include exhumed bodies, or if not officially buried, dug up or found ones. An autopsy is a pretty brutal affair, however every effort is made to keep any parts that will be visible during a viewing as unaffected as possible, even though your loved one will have had their hair and face peeled down to their chin, everything will be put back in place and look nice before being released. Remember due to the nature of the brains structure it may have required fixing in formalin which in itself can take 2 weeks, if the body is due to be buried or cremated before the brain has been reunited, the next of kin will usually be informed, mind you we have jars around here with bits dating back well over 10 years, we never tell their family, imagine, "hello Mrs Jones, we've just found your late husbands testicles and we would like to dispose of them, yes I know its been 6 years, but did you want to collect them?" Never going to happen.				It is advisable to leave a special request with our reception regarding the disposal of internal organs, if a basic autopsy is required we offer unique options for you: (NHS option) Most organs will be dumped back into the body cavity in no particular order and the body stitched up roughly with twine, this could include some brain parts if not retained, don't worry we pack the skull with scrunched up paper or other cheap packing. (SHH option) Don't worry yourself, lets pretend nothing happened. (KFC option) We incinerate them in our modified chicken cremator with the rest of the crap. This is a great option for us as it makes embalming a lot easier and the body lighter for our elderly staff to handle. (eBay option) We can auction them on eBay India if fresh. Most removed organs from autopsies have been sliced with a Breadknife and are in fact useless, but we can still sell them and then claim on the postage insurance as "damaged in transit" which is handy. If you can't decide yourself, our funeral councillor will be happy to advise you on the best option that suits us.

EMBALMING

	Our arterial embalming service is another cash cow, but before it is done we usually require one of the following: 1, The bereaved to be easily manipulated. 2, The body needs to be displayed to family and friends. 3, Fully comprehensive funeral insurance. The best and cheapest way to preserve the body after death is obviously having it frozen until it is disposed of, but the concept of a loved one lounging like a butterball turkey in a freezer can be abhorrent to some, this kind of near thinking is why we decided to enter the embalming game in the first place. Using methods unseen since the 1800's, we are able replace blood and just generally inject everywhere with a vast range of multi coloured embalming products, helping not only slow down the deterioration of the body, but remove that bloody horrible blotchy or overly pale appearance that none of us here likes to see when going to the fridge. We can even remove unsightly wrinkles from the elderly, giving them that youthful face lift they couldn't afford in life. Who would believe it but a dead body still produces foul smelling gasses and liquids as it breaks down during decomposition, who would want to visit a stinky corpse at the chapel of rest, more importantly why would our staff want to handle it? By injecting fragrant liquids and preservatives into just about every cavity we can charge for, this problem is reduced. As you are aware the body has many natural orifices, these can provide their own problems regarding seepage of different levels and types, we make every effort to reduce build ups of fluids with special cat litter like powders and by using only the best cotton wool plugs from Tampax Super, these plugs will be packed to varying depths in EVERY hole, we still use chalk dust to help mop up in there, but we are a bit tight fisted. We have also developed with the scientists at Tena Lady a range of extra secure "coffin knickers", guaranteeing no leaks even from the ripest corpse that could stink up our hearse or ruin a cheaper coffin base, just imagine your loved one being taken from the hearse with their arse hanging out the coffin bottom, mind you it could bring some cheer to an otherwise boring event. If a corpse could feel pain, I'd guess this process would be unpleasant to say the least, maybe with only cremation being worse.


	Here we have some of the crap used in the face to give that natural look the bereaved expect to see, why they can't accept the realities of death we don't know, the first picture is a selection of eye caps, above are some devices for the lips, and on the right another insert for a nice mouth and cheeks, now you know why an embalmed face does not smile, its full of this junk.

We understand the importance many people place on brand names, being dead is no excuse to stop, especially if somebody else is paying, that is why we only use the best products, EYE CAPS for example, your typical embalmer will slap in cheap plastic rubbish, here we use 1DAY ACUVUE® colours contact lenses, the outward look is identical, no sunken eyes, but in the event of an eye becoming unglued there will be a natural look inside too, as apposed to some plastic thing scaring the viewer shitless, on the subject of glue we use BOSTIK industrial strength super glue, we try to avoid the over use of twine and wire where possible, many other embalmers will use hidden stitching techniques to hold bits in place, like securing the mouth closed, a close look at a body that has both been embalmed and autopsied will reveal what looks more like a rolled pork joint, the difference is that a pork joint is tied better. EMBALMING FLUIDS, we have the widest range of designer fluid colours from L'Oreal Sublime, from David Dickinson orange to Sophie Ellis-Bextor white, name the celebrity nearest to the bodies natural skin tone, and we will match it. We are happy to dress the deceased person in their own clothing, but please make sure they are clean, no point in going to all this trouble just to be dressed like a smelly tramp. We can supply funeral gowns of different styles and colours, at very high prices, but to be honest these are more for our benefit than yours, plus we have not been able to negotiate a good rate of commission to promote these items actively.
We like to use our own overpriced special embalmers cosmetics as they are part of a tax fiddle. We only charge £36 for a makeover and all work is done by local makeup students, warning, the girls cannot correct natural ugliness.

Work that crap through the smaller veins to help circulation or remove rigor

Embalmed, face bleached by the fluid, eyes glued, mouth sealed chin lifted and fixed.

Finished, Francine the makeup girl does her best, the rest is to be covered in a high necked funeral gown, nice.

The weight of a blanket could ruin a nice new nose.

Pre-embalmed.

Embalmed.

Made up and ready to go.

Nobody loses their looks before a showing.

RECONSTRUCTIVE

One of the wonders of modern embalming is our ability to reconstruct the look of a disfigured corpse to that of the person sleeping, this is especially important after an accident for example, who wants to view a relative only to find a scene from a horror movie? This is where our special reconstructive embalming service comes in, it must be stressed that some artistic licence must be accounted for before viewing, however standing from 20 feet or more with your eyes scrunched will always give good results. The best way to show the advantages of this costly procedure is to display an example below. The subject was Mrs Hilda Climb, she arrived in a very poor state of death, she had been in an accident involving a steam roller and a push in the back, all we required was a recent family photo, access to our stock of quality morticians paste and some time. We are sure you will agree the results are stunning, her Grandson even asked us if his Dad could become one of the Thunderbirds too when he dies, we said yes, although we have no idea what he was talking about.

embalming room 5, near our self storage warehouse.

Some would say this is beyond repair, not us.

Looking great, but we had trouble shuuting the lid

ARRIVAL

PHOTO

SUPPLIES

RESULT

We're happy to restore even the ripest of corpse for a viewing.
We once restored a whole body from a tray of ashes after we cremated someone by mistake, the family knew no different, however they were surprised when our hearse driver also became the sole pall bearer carrying the coffin on his shoulder, greeting the mourners with a friendly "where do you want it?"

SCIENCE

Remember if you plan ahead, and fill out the right forms, for a small handling fee we can donate your body to medical science, this is a great option for us here at the Tenpasenta Church, as our illegal "cutter's" may be able to make a few quid selling bits and bobs from a decent corpse to one of our many pharmaceutical contacts. But if the body does not meet our strict requirements it will be passed on to the appropriate authority, if it meets their needs it will probably be found knocking around a medical school or similar facility for the next three years, or maybe much longer, bringing education and amusement to many. As we understand it, the body will be cremated by them FREE too, well worth the humiliation being dissected brings.
Many people say that they don't care what happens to them after death, which is a good thing when you know what could happen, and the money making potential it brings to those who couldn't give a damn about the origins of your carcass.