The
Tenpasenta Church
Southampton
 
 
 

Church Fundraising

 
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An afterlifestyle

OUR CHURCH ROOF NEEDS YOU

Vicar Southampton church no roof
quoteAs you may be aware we had our Church roofs stolen for the eleventh year running, I have located some new roofs that will fit perfectly at my Brother's storage yard, but I cannot afford to buy them and get them fitted as Church funds are very tight during this financial quarter, so I call upon you faithful Tenpasenta's to put your generous hands into your pockets and once again help us reinstate the Church to its former glory.
We were able to raise £70,000 last year so I have raised the bar for this year's fundraiser to £98,000, this should easily cover the cost of the roof and leave me a little something extra to use at our humble head office in Mayfair quoteLondon, talking of which has a viewing gallery on level 80 with excellent views across London and Buckingham Palace gardens, only £25 per person entry, open from 9am-8pm, bring your own binoculars.Mark the vicar

HAND RELIEF 2017

Hand Relief
As we grow older our circulation becomes less efficient and our extremities become vulnerable to the cold, as the cold nights draw in our thoughts inevitably turn to those elderly people stuck in their overly large expensive to heat houses, why they remain in them and not donate them to us is beyond me to be honest, but there we are and there they are, the jammy bastards.
By sponsoring an elderly person you know to shake their hands to promote blood flow to the fingers we can raise thousands for ourselves and keep their hands warm at the same time, it's a win win, welcome to Hand Relief 2017.
We recommend 50p per shaking of hands, but sky's the limit! Last year Trevor "Tremor" Smith raised £6000 in one morning, many sponsors were not aware of his Parkinson's disease, but it was their loss and our gain.
 
     
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RECYCLE FOR CASH

Femoral components are a common by-product of many cremations, they can contain very valuable metals, and in the name of "doing our bit for the environment" we like to recycle them into a very lucrative by-product. We hear that the Cobalt is often used in aircraft engines, and other less valuable metals are smelted down and made into road signs, motorway barriers and lampposts, a part of your dead relative could be with you wherever you travel, which is nice.
Metal prices have not been too steady over the past year however, and if they continue to fall we may be forced to cancel our annual staff trip to Disney world Orlando.
 
Femoral component Money Femoral component
Info only: Whilst there are some that consider the recycling of metals recovered from cremation to be illegal or could be challenged, it is worth considering the following points: The law does not say that it is illegal so therefore a challenge would need to be made in the Courts to obtain a judgement. Those bereaved wishing to go through our stock prior to shipment are more than welcome to do so, it will be for them to prove that femoral component came from their loved one.
   
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SUGAR FOR SUGAR
Sir Lord Alan Sugar lord sir alan sugar
We invited self proclaimed Business Guru Lord Sir Alan Sugar to put his wrinkly old face to our Diabetes fundraiser.
As Mark the vicar creeps into middle age and spread, he noticed that many life threatening or debilitating conditions that once only effected other people were now effecting him. Many celebrities will suddenly support one charity or other when an illness effects them or their family, and Mark the vicar is no exception to this rule and any money making opportunities that may arise from it.
alan sugar
Mark the Vicar was recently diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and told to lay off the sugar or face the debilitating disease that could result in the loss of limbs or early death, having seen for himself how badly the dead are treated in this country by some funeral directors he decided to take action.
Looking into the statistics for diabetes in the UK and it appears that it could effect 4.6% of the UK population, and the chances are that many of these people may have already purchased a big bag of sugar or two before being diagnosed and be at a loss as to what to do with it, so this is where we come in with our latest fundraising scheme.
Sugar2sugar
Our Send your sugar to Sugar campaign is where we collect unwanted sugar from diabetics cupboards throughout the UK, with 50 collection points nationwide we were able to collect over £1million worth of sugar in the first 3 months.
Our new re-packing centre has enabled us to distribute all this grade U sugar as Kwik Save own label, a name known for its low quality products, we then sell it to our many customers in Africa who don't worry too much if packs contain bits of old crap.
So each time you see Lord Sir Alan Sugar point his bendy finger on BBC's The Apprentice, think testing blood glucose levels, think diabetes, think sugar, think give your sugar to Sugar.
Sugar Factory Southampton
 
     
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SPONSOR A GRAVE
You can sponsor any of our graves, either for yourself or a friend.
Your chosen grave will write to you on your birthday and send begging cards on the date of their occupants internment.
Many people can sponsor a single grave, rest assured that your sponsorship money may actually go towards the upkeep of your chosen grave, but we can only cut the grass so many times a day and excess funds will inevitably go into Mark the Vicars back pocket.
Sponsor a grave
Wilf

My name is Wilf,
soon after my owners death I became so lonely, nobody visited me or gave me treats, even the flowers on me are just plastic, and they've been there seven years now.
Will you be my friend?
Cemetery: Tenpasenta Church Woolston.
Age: 10 Years old.
Gender: I'm a boy.
Breed: Polished White Marble with cut grass to front.
Visit status: Yes you can visit me, I'm plot 1365, twenty graves left of the old wishing well.
More info: Playing football and eating food were my two main passions in life! I enjoy a more sedentary time now.
FUNDRAISING EFFORTS
Sponge the vicar New"Sponge Brian" raised £40 last Wednesday after he locked himself in the Church stocks by mistake.
Mark the vicar would like to thank the window cleaner for the bucket of water and sponge, and he was more than happy to donate £40 out of his own pocket for the privilege of drenching the silly retard.
Every business should hire a dumb arse, they're great to blame if things go wrong, cheap to run and perfect for making yourself appear more clever during three way conversations.
100 yard fun run Last years 100 yard fun run was a great success with more than 200 runners registering at only £25 each.
This is one of the few opportunities for the sick or infirm to take part and collect charity money for themselves.
We noticed that three patients from a nearby hospice couldn't be arsed to turn up, it's their loss I guess. It was later noticed that we had buried one of them two weeks earlier, so it wasn't all bad news for us.
Mark Collyer vicar
Fete prizes Our Church fête Tombola is not so popular and for the 5th year running we sold no tickets.Tenpasenta finger
It has been decided that in 2015 we will boost the prizes from basic sundries, to a 4% discount on funerals and mini bottles of alcohol we've nicked from hotel mini bars over the years!
Most people don't realise we depend on this tax free income for our Sky+ subscription and broadband.
Only £5 per ticket.
Please buy.
RUN FOR ALZHEIMER'S
Our first Charity run of the year took place on the 13th July, as usual it was our "Run for Alzheimer's" event, it has become quite a tradition here at the Tenpasenta Church over the past seven years.
We invite elderly residents from over sixty three old peoples homes within a five miles radius of the Tenpasenta estate here in Southampton. To qualify all entrants must suffer stage 7 Alzheimer's, they can then come and take part in five laps of our V.I.P. Car park. Fake funeral director approved
This year was a real bonus as somebody actually remembered the correct date and time, he even turned up.
Self confessed coffin dodger Chester Drawers 88, was the sole entrant and very nearly won the £10 prize, unfortunately five feet from the finishing line he collapsed from an embolism, had he only fallen forwards he would have passed the finish line and his children would have inherited the prize money.
Good old Chester, we look forward to cremating him.
Run for Alzheimer's
EASTER EGG HUNT (SEASONAL)
Easter Unlike many hunts around the country, we hide our eggs in designated digging locations around our cemeteries. Each possible location of the hidden Easter egg is carefully marked with a large rectangle, every egg will be found no less than six feet down, thus adding an extra dimension to the competition.
Eggs may not be in every marked location.
For an entrance fee of only £50, you too can join the dig for a Cadbury's creme egg. If you were to find an egg in any of our digging areas nobody would be more surprised than us, but if you did, you can keep it.
EASTER EGG HUNT
SHOEBOX APPEAL (SEASONAL)
Shoebox appea We would like to thank the local school children for over a thousand beautifully decorated shoeboxes.
However we didn't ask for them and have no idea what to do with them. We opened a few and found nothing but crap, the kind of stuff only a poor person would appreciate, certainly not a wealthy Church like us.
We have decided to sell the boxes themselves as part of our festive budget funeral urn/foetus coffin range, and the contents will be sorted for either the dustbin, or our own personal use.
Shoebox appeal
UNSUNG FUNDRAISERS
Second crematorium southampton  
We recently noticed of handful of people helping promote our application for a second crematorium.
This new crematorium will include three extra large retorts to handle the increasing size of the dead.
Great news, our application was successful, by early 2015 we will be offering cremation facilities able to handle well over fifty bodies per day, and with reduced prices we aim to attract 60% of the local cremations market.
Thanks to all those involved.
MESSY DAY
  Messy day
We've just noticed a great scheme on other Church sites it's called Messy Day! Read this and you won't believe how simple it is.
On a summer day in the future we invite families of friends of the Tenpasenta Church to come and clean up our grounds. Spend a fun morning picking up rubbish, then gather for a free drink of orange squash before going home to put your feet up for a well earned rest.
Only £5 per family.
We couldn't believe it either, so from July 22 2013 we are introducing this great idea biannually, come along and enjoy.
   
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TEA ROOM
Church lunch Come in for a friendly chat, admire our vicarage, basically see how the other half live. We will not pressure you to donate money, in fact making money is the last thing on our minds.
Tea and a biscuit..............
Coffee with milk...............
Bacon sandwich................
Cheese sandwich..............
Cheese & onion roll...........
Beaker of orange squash....
£5.50p
£6.20p
£9.08p
£9.65p
£7.80p
£3.50p
Tenpasenta
Nun on a piano, donte today Chocolate fountain
If you're lucky enough to
meet Sister Mary riding
around on her piano
please give generously!
 
     
donate today
   
MEGA LOTTO WINNERS
Missed out on jackpot? It was only after Mark the vicar let Adrian Bayford go in front of him at the paper shop, that he realised that the £148million winning lucky dip Lotto ticket would have been his. After several dozen begging letters to Adrian went unanswered it was decided to highlight just how tight fisted mega lotto winners were. Not one penny has been received from any winner to our fundraising efforts. If only the vicar had won we wouldn't need to contrive this part of the site.
Latest news has it that Adrian is going to marry a girl 19 years younger than him, bastard, that could have been me, I mean the vicar.
Lotto
Lucky bastards Colin and Chris Weir
Gillian and Adrian Bayford Colin and Chris Weir
Lotto winners are welcome to donate!
     
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TRUFFLES
Graham Collyer Dog locating Truffles White truffle Truffle collection point
Right Reverend Vicar Graham recently passed through our local park and noticed dogs being trained in the art of truffle hunting. Truffles are a very valuable commodity and can be sold to posh restaurants for a fair few quid.
The dogs being trained were very clever, and would crouch over the truffles they found before their owner bagged them up, he noticed that the owners then just threw them in special bin to be collected later and thrown away by the council, what a waste.
Right Reverend Vicar Graham has decided to visit the park under the cover of darkness and retrieve these discarded fungi just for you.
Now you can enjoy this delicacy from our Church shop at a greatly discounted price, as you grate your fresh truffle over your spaghetti you can rest assured that the money you gave will be put to great use around the Tenpasenta estate.
Brown truffles: £45 per 250g
White truffles: £99 per 100g
SCAM
Example of our Church roof scam TRR
We noticed that nearly every church in the country appeared to have a roof appeal each and every year. It was calculated that this must bring them tens of thousands of pounds in easy revenue from parishioners who believe those giant thermometers put outside the church actually effect the weather in some way.
Tenpasenta engineers quickly jumped on the idea of custom made removable church roofs, and we now supply these roofs to all major religions in England and Wales
Having a specially constructed portable worn out roof for the beginning of an appeal helps convince those giving money the severity of the situation, and after raising sufficient funds it can be quickly and easily replaced with the "new" roof from one of our our regional church roof storage facilities.
So far this system has been used 3 times on the Tenpasenta Premier Church raising over £250,000, and 194 times nationally by other churches raising over £35 million, of which £17.5 million is our share, which is not bad over three years.
The design has now been patented and is sold around the world to less reputable Churches bringing in several more millions of pounds.

TITANIC

Guinness world records
2009
World Record!
It's a proud moment in any Churches advertising, that someone as famous as Millvina Dean should visit their Church and break a world record.
On 31st May 2009 Miss Dean visited our corpse viewing centre and unwittingly broke the world record for having the thickest prescription lenses in the world after being noticed by the ghost of long dead Guinness bloke Norris McWhirter.
Mildred enjoyed a celebratory snack of out of date complimentary Spar fish and chips and we haven't seen her since.
Millvina Dean
Millvina Dean Millvina Dean Millvina Dean
We were shocked to read in Southampton's Southern Daily Echo that Millvina has been forced to sell all of her Titanic memorabilia and DVD's to pay for her £3000 a month Tenpasenta nursing home costs, we also hear that she had to burn the autographed picture of herself and David Guest to keep warm (so it's not all bad news).
As from 1st June 2009, Mark the vicar has agreed to pay all of Millvina's nursing home costs, from that day onwards until the day she dies, a truly generous offer from the Tenpasenta Church.
Mark the vicars distant relative Mr. Harvey Collyer, was not so lucky,
he died during the sinking, biggest loss was the fact he was carrying £5000 in cash!
 
     
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MISSIONARY WORK
Project-Thailand Mark the vicar takes his missionary work seriously

As part of our missionary work around the world Mark the Vicar visited Patong Beach in Phuket Thailand to see what all the fuss was about.
After a hard day avoiding direct sunlight the vicar felt visiting the tarts and trollops would be best done after 11pm, to blend in with the other middle-aged men in the area he let himself be invited to a bar serving the cheapest drinks.

Using kindly donated money Mark was able to ingratiate himself to the local girls, and get a close up view of the cheap and revealing clothes they are forced to wear. Neither the working girls or Mark the vicar enjoyed the experience offered by this resort which can be seen clearly in the photos taken.
Unfortunately due to time restraints and lack of money we are unable to find out what happens when the bar girls return to your hotel, this is why we require further donations so that Mark the vicar can return and do a proper in-depth study and discover what the term "sunk balls deep" means to staff and patrons alike.
FOOTNOTE BY MARK THE VICAR
Quote
"Whatever way you choose to raise money for the Tenpasenta Church, every penny is very much appreciated Quotewith very little going to myself in lucrative expenses and unessential luxuries."
Your effort, our gain, thanks
Mark the vicar




Please don't send donations to
our Vatican office!
Send donations to:

Tenpasenta Church
Southampton
England
Please make cheques payable to:
Mark Collyer

Why not donate your unwanted house too?
Thanks!
Marco Collyoni (head of accounts)
Your effort, our gain, thanks
As seen on BBC South Today  
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