As you may be aware we had our Church roofs stolen for the tenth year running, I have located some new roofs that will fit perfectly at my Brother's storage yard, but I cannot afford to buy them and get them fitted as Church funds are very tight during this financial quarter, so I call upon you faithful Tenpasenta's to put your generous hands into your pockets and once again help us reinstate the Church to its former glory.
We were able to raise £70,000 last year so I have raised the bar for this year's fundraiser to £98,000, this should easily cover the cost of the roof and leave me a little something extra to use at our humble head office in Mayfair London, talking of which has a viewing salary on level 80, it has excellent views across London and Buckingham Palace gardens, only £15 per person entry, open from 9am-8pm, bring your own binoculars.

Our first Charity run of the year took place on the 11th January, as usual it was the "Run for Alzheimer's", it has become quite a tradition here at the Tenpasenta Church over the past two years.
We invite elderly residents from over sixty three old peoples homes within a five miles radius of the Tenpasenta estate here in Woolston. To qualify all entrants must suffer stage 7 Alzheimer's, they can then come and take part in five laps of our V.I.P. Car park.
This year was a real bonus as somebody actually remembered the correct date, and time for the event, he even turned up.
Self confessed coffin dodger Chester Drawers 88, was the sole entrant and very nearly won the £10 prize, unfortunately five feet from the finishing line he collapsed due to having an embolism, had he only fallen forwards he would have passed the finish line and his children would have inherited the prize money just four days later.
Good old Chester, we look forward to cremating him.

We feel that all you lying cheating bastards should do the right thing and donate £5 to the Tenpasenta Church.
The guilt could kill you.

Our senior market researcher and vicar Graham Collyer, (who knows a thing or two about connoisseur cooking) told us that Truffles are a very high value food commodity, and to find them people had to use specially trained pigs or dogs because of their difficulty to locate without these animals yourself, they truly are a rare delicacy, especially the rare white truffle, once common place in 70's.
However while he was passing through the local park, he noticed people were training their dogs in the art of truffle hunting. As they were only training, these dog owners were throwing the found truffles away in one of the specially marked bins, dog after dog could be seen crouching over where they found this strange dark fungus, the owners could then be seen picking up the truffles with a plastic bag just to throw them away.
Because of this obscene waste, we have decided to send resident grave digger Brian down to empty these bins under the cover of night. We will then sell these foul smelling truffles on our Sunday market stall for a knockdown price of only £1200 per 100g, and donate the cash to ourselves.
A great way to raise money and bring luxury to many, imagine as buyers grate the truffles onto their evening meal, a real treat indeed.