Our first Charity run of the year took place on the 11th January, as usual it was the "Run for Alzheimer's" event, it has become quite a tradition here at the Tenpasenta Church over the past two years.
We invite elderly residents from over sixty three old peoples homes within five miles of Woolston, to come and take part in five laps of our V.I.P. Car park. This year was a real bonus as somebody actually remembered the correct date, and time for the event, he even turned up.
Self confessed coffin dodger Chester Drawers 88, was the sole entrant and very nearly won the £10 prize, unfortunately five feet from the finishing line he collapsed due to having an embolism, had he only fallen forwards he would have passed the finish line and his children would have inherited the prize money just four days later.
Good old Chester, we look forward to cremating him.

"Sponge Brian" raised £40 last Wednesday when he locked himself in our Church stocks by mistake.
I would like to thank the window cleaner for the bucket of water and sponge, and I was more than happy to donate £40 out of my own pocket for the privilege of drenching the silly retard.
Don't worry I took the £40 out of his wages.

Last years 100 yard fun run was a big success, more 200 runners registered at only £8 each.
This is one of the few opportunities for the sick or crippled to take part and collect money for themselves, (after donating 10% to us) although 3 patients from a nearby hospice couldn't be arsed to turn up, their loss was our gain I guess.

Our Church fete Tombola was not so popular again for the 5th year running. We sold very few tickets indeed, we may boost the prize from a pint of milk to maybe a four pack of hot cross buns or even a bar of Cadbury's whole nut chocolate!
Don't people realise we depend on this kind of tax free income for our own luxuries, like MP's we don't like spending our own money.

Here at the Tenpasenta Church we welcome help from anybody and everybody, we recently noticed of handful of people helping promote our application for a second crematorium.
Great news, our application was successful, by early 2012 we will be offering cremation facilities able to handle well over sixty funerals per day, and with reduced prices we aim to attract 60% of all local cremations.
Thanks to all those involved.

We have been producing our own Tenpasenta Embalmers Choice brand Black Pudding for over 30 years.
We have ample supplies of main ingredients which give Embalmers Choice its unique and award winning taste, plus for every £1 spent on our puddings 2 whole pence is donated to the Tenpasenta Foundation, whose hard work in finding a cure for death is fast becoming the largest charity in Southampton, or will be when we finally get charity status.
We would like to thank all of our regular customers for supporting this noble cause with your purchases.
Not suitable for vegetarians or those who know a recently departed.

Our senior market researcher and vicar Graham Collyer, (who knows a thing or two about connoisseur cooking) told us that Truffles are a very high value food commodity, and to find them people had to use specially trained pigs or dogs. Because of their difficulty to locate without the animals yourself, they truly were a rare delicacy, especially the rare white truffle, once common place in 70's.
However while he was passing through the local park, he noticed people were training their dogs in the art of truffle hunting. As they were only training these dog owners were throwing the found truffles away in one of the specially marked bins, dog after dog could be seen crouching over where they found this strange dark fungus, the owners could then be seen picking up the truffles with a plastic bag just to throw away.
Because of this obscene waste, we have decided to send resident grave digger Brian down to empty these bins under the cover of night. We will then sell these foul smelling truffles on our Sunday market stall, and donate the cash to ourselves, a great way to raise money and bring luxury to many, imagine as buyers grate the truffles onto their evening meal, a real treat indeed.

Age concern Woolston (other great charity businesses available), is another local organisation who is more than happy to receive then sell dead peoples valuables and clothes at knock down prices, in fact they have many old style clothes that are ideal for geriatrics, you could gift these to an elderly relative at our geriatric care home, you better be quick though because we supply many of our more decrepit residents with old clothes from here, and then charge high street prices, a nice little number to be honest.
These charity shops have a very expensive management teams to pay, and pension, so don't expect the bargains that you could once have found, any good stuff is quickly palmed off to paid staff before you get to see it.
We're only jealous because they are on better money than our own charity organisers.
If you want your money to go to a great cause, give to the Tenpasenta Church direct.

EXAMPLE: The CEO of Cancer Research UK, Harpal Kumar, earns over £200k a year.

Annual Return for 31 Mar 2009: received 12 Jan 2010:
Income £498,211,000
Charitable spending £317,520,000

Nice work if you can get it.

We are sure other charities do a good job, but those who rely on volunteers to get money, while the management line their nests and get recognised by Royalty or Government with O.B.E.'s etc, is not why people donate, and many would not donate if they saw a photo of the CEO and their wages clearly shown in charity shop windows. So we understand 75% goes to funding carefully chosen areas of their cause, but the jobs for the boys attitude is one we hate.
Here at the Tenpasenta Church we are proud to admit that all money donated goes directly into our personal bank account and is spent on the latest luxuries and nik knacks.