We have an on-site medical team trained in all aspects of Geriatric medicine, they are just a moment away to provide what could be life prolonging care.
Night care may not be on par with our day care, but as most people die in their sleep, it makes sense not to stretch our staff. Don't fear neglect at night, six world class Nigerian "nurses" offer first class cover, bringing a wide choice of Digestive biscuits and tepid tea or coffee around the ward every three hours, they even have training in high speed arse wiping, which can bring relief. We offer a patient turning service to prevent pressure sores, a symptom many readers will remember from days in bed while unemployed.

Day care takes place in our large lounge, we have a selection of high backed urine and drool repellant chairs, or a range of wheelchairs, perfect for quick positioning under an open window if required.
A 60inch Sony plasma high volume television is available to watch old films on, this is an on request service, and because none of our decrepit guests even know what a plasma TV is, it's still in the box.
Brian likes to visit and give his renditions of popular songs on his guitar, he can't play or sing a note, but we've had no official complaints to date, but he was once seen leaving with a walking stick stuck up his arse, there's life in at least one of these old codgers.

Our first class geriatric care home not only gives excellent secure accommodation for Coffin Dodger's, but offers an unrivalled care package.
Our residents are treated as if they were distant relatives of our own family, we even follow strict guidelines that were all the rage in 1972, in fact many residents will be treated in exactly the same manner as that to which they treated their own elderly parents or relatives, right up until the time they lost all their faculties then stripped of their valuables and assets prior to their death.
Like they say, "what goes around, comes around".

Often, there are characteristic signs when death is near. Changes in respirations may occur. Slow and fast respirations or long periods without a breath are common in the dying person. Moaning may occur with breaths and does not necessarily mean the person is in pain. Secretions in the throat or the relaxing of the throat muscles can lead to noisy breathing, sometimes called the death rattle. Repositioning the patient or using drugs to dry secretions can minimize the noise. This breathing can continue for hours. At the time of death, a few muscle contractions may occur and the chest may heave as if to breathe. The heart may beat a few minutes after breathing stops, and a brief seizure may occur. Consciousness may decrease. Mental confusion or decreased alertness may occur just prior to death. The limbs may become cool and perhaps bluish, mottled or blotchy. The changes occur due to a decrease in oxygen and the body's circulation slowing down. The person may suddenly become incontinent (unable to control bowel and/or urine elimination). Physical disfigurement may occur from a progressive tumor. Unless the dying person has a rare infectious disease, family members should be assured that touching, caressing, and holding the body of a dying person, even for a while after the death, are acceptable. Doing so seems to counter the irrational fear that the person really did not die.

Our A.G.D.S. (automated geriatric despatch system) was devised with the help of Professor Stephen Hawking the world renowned clever dick.
On a recent visit to Woolston he visited Mark the vicar for advice on quantum economics. It was at this time he suggested a conveyor system for easy handling of the ex-residents, which not only offered many health and safety benefits for our staff, but maintained the dignity of the now departed.
Tenpasenta Geriatric care is the first home to use this now patented system, above each bed is a discreetly placed body retrieval system (sack), into this the body is carefully placed before entering the bed head chute, this leads to our geriatric storeroom ready for easy collection by our funeral staff.

Its been said by the Hampshire County Council care home review team, that this innovative system could be seen to be in bad taste, but we point out that new European Union health and safety regulations dictate that it is the responsibility of care home managers to look after their staff, and avoid any unnecessary strain injuries that could occur while handling a deceased person.
They can't have it both ways.