We have built one of the most advanced and service friendly Geriatric care homes in Woolston.
Mark the head vicar suggested we adopt a hospital ward type dormitory system. This method provides maximum access to care for our elderly guests, whilst providing a seemingly private environment, to be honest most in our care don't know if they are on a ward or in the Ritz hotel, that's Dementia for you.
Care of this high standard does not come cheap, and like most care homes in the country we like to milk our guests for all we can get as quickly as we can get it, by the nature of the business our customers don't hang around forever, although to be honest some hang around a little too long for their families liking.

Day, we have an on-site medical team trained in all aspects of Geriatric medicine, they are just a moment away to provide what could be life saving care.
Night care may not be on par with our day care, but as most people die in their sleep, it makes sense not to stretch our staff. Don't fear neglect at night, six world class Nigerian nurses offer first class cover, bringing a wide choice of Digestive biscuits and tepid tea or coffee around the ward every three hours, they even have training in high speed arse wiping, which can bring relief. We offer a patient turning service to prevent pressure sores, a symptom we all remember from days in bed while unemployed.

Day care takes place in our large lounge, we have a selection of high backed urine and drool repellant chairs, or a range of wheelchairs, perfect for quick positioning under an open window if required.
A 60inch black & white plasma high volume television is available to watch old films on, this is an on request service, and because none of our more decrepit guests even know what a plasma TV is, it's still in the box.
Brian likes to visit and give his renditions of popular songs on his guitar, he can't play a note, but we've had no official complaints to date, but he was once seen leaving with a walking stick up his arse.

Our Geriatric care home not only gives excellent secure accommodation for the ultra-elderly, but offers an unrivaled care package.
Residents are treated as if they were poor distant relatives of our own family, we follow strict guidelines that were all the rage in 1972, in fact many residents will be treated in exactly the same manner as that to which they treated their own elderly parents, right up until the time they lose all their faculties when they will be stripped of their valuables prior to death.
Like they say "what goes around, comes around".

Our AGDS (automated geriatric despatch system) was devised with the help of Professor Stephen Hawking the world renowned clever dick.
On a recent visit to Woolston he visited Mark the vicar for advice on quantum economics. It was at this time he suggested a conveyor system for easy handling of the ex-residents, which not only offered many health and safety benefits for our staff, but maintained the dignity of the now departed.
Tenpasenta Geriatric care is the first home to use this now patented system, above each bed is a discreetly placed body retrieval system (sack), into this the body is carefully placed before entering the bed head chute, this leads to our geriatric storeroom ready for easy collection by our funeral staff.

Its been said by the Hampshire County Council care home review team, that this innovative system could be seen to be in bad taste, but we point out that new European Union health and safety regulations dictate that it is the responsibility of care home managers to look after their staff, and avoid any unnecessary strain injuries that could occur while handling a deceased person.
They can't have it both ways.