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Tenpasenta Church
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Geriatric Care

 
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CARE

Woolston geriatric home

WARD SYSTEM

Geriatric ward
Truss Tena ladies
We have one of the most advanced and service friendly Geriatric care homes in our part of Woolston.
We have adopted a tried a trusted ward system, with the wards being single sex on each floor, the male Russ ward and two female Ena ladies wards.
Wards provide the dedicated care that our elderly guests deserve, whilst providing a seemingly private environment within the curtains, to be honest most in our care don't know if they are in our care or at the Ritz hotel, thanks dementia, so we bill them accordingly.
This high standard of care does not come cheap, in fact we are the most expensive in our street, but it does keep the riff-raff out. It's a well known fact that one of our main jobs to extract as much money as quickly as we can get it, by the nature of the business our customers don't hang around long, unfortunately some do hang around a little longer than their families like and financial detriment.
So you're about to die

DAY CARE

Day care for those who wish a change of scene takes place in our large lounge or corridors, we have a selection of high backed urine and stool repellent chairs, and a range of comfy wheelchairs, perfect for quick positioning by an open window if required.
A 60inch Sony plasma high volume television is available to watch old films on, this is a request service, and because none of our decrepit guests even know what a plasma TV is it's still in the box.
Brian the sub under vicar likes to visit and give his renditions of popular songs on his guitar, he can't play or sing a note, and we've had no official complaints to date, but he was once seen leaving with a walking stick rammed up his arse.
Our on-site medical teams are trained in all aspects of Geriatric medicine, they are on hand all day to provide what could be life prolonging care.
day room

NIGHT CARE

Night care may not be on par with our day care, but as most people die in their sleep it makes sense not to employ a night shift of doctors just to watch people peg it.
Nights are covered by twelve world class nurses from Nigeria using their skills to take a wide choice of biscuits and tepid tea or coffee around the wards every three hours.
All staff are well practiced in high speed arse wiping, which can bring relief to all, not just the culprit. A regular patient turning service is available for the inactive, this helps prevent pressure sores, a problem many readers will remember from days in bed as a student or unemployed, we recommend EPABS™ which is available to all of our beds, and is charged by the kilowatt-hour.
Geriatric care
ELECTRONIC BEDSORE CARE
We were the first in the world to develop electrical arse stimulation to prevent bedsores!
Bedsores Electric Bedsore system
TERRIBLE BEDSORES TENPASENTA EPABS™ CONTROLS
Bedsores can be a problem for the inactive resident and regular turning may not alleviate the condition. Here at Tenpasenta geriatric care we offer the worlds first Electronic Pulse Anti Bedsore System.
EPABS™ sends a regular pulse of electricity through the body causing muscle contractions and stimulating blood supply to body-bed contact areas.
This patented device was developed by Mark the Vicar after watching an old Frankenstein film. This is an experimental system at present, but after seeing spectacular results it may soon become commercially available.
One male guest was able to build the body of an Adonis using our system, in fact his body became so bulky he didn't fit into the coffin he'd pre-ordered.
Electric Bedsore system Lovely arse
ELECTRIC PULSES AFTER JUST TWO WEEKS
WOOLSTON ESTATE
Woolston Woolston is known by millions* to be the most picturesque town in Hampshire, the picture on the left is a typical view of Woolston as seen from the Bahamas.
Every luxurious shop from Spar to Woolworth's were once only a walk away from our care home. But to be honest who would want to drag themselves away from our care in the first place? Especially those bed ridden, disabled, blind or worse.
If you are a carer placing your liability with us for their final year/s be sure to build up our location and facilities as best you can, the chances are they will never go outside, and giving them the impression that they are living somewhere special gives us the opportunity to bump the price up a bit, of which we will pay 10% commission directly back to you!
*citation needed
Woolston Vicar in Woolston
STANDARDS OF CARE
HIGH STANDARD OF CARE Not only do we provide secure accommodation for local coffin dodger's, but an unrivalled care package within this sector. Tenpasenta Cash
Our residents are treated as if they were distant relatives of our very own disjointed family. We like to follow guidelines that were all the rage in 1972,in fact many residents will be treated in exactly the same manner that they treated their own elderly parents or relatives, right up until the time they lose all their faculties and are then stripped of their valuables and assets prior to their death.
Like they say, what goes around, comes around.
 
     
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BODILY ODOURS
Herr E Kuntz

It's a well known fact that some geriatric care homes can smell of urine and faeces. It's not the residents fault that they may have double incontinence, but then it's not nice for our staff and visitors to be in that stench for any period of time.
We are the first geriatric care home in Britain to design and install its very own high performance industrial grade air extractors and purifiers, German aerospace engineerOriginal Pisstaker Eric Kuntz was commissioned to update Mark the vicars original design, and after a years work we now have the revolutionary geriatric air purifier system the Pisstaker™2, it can eliminate all nasty body odours from the building within seconds, in fact at full power it will move 1.2 tons of air per second, it's truly a breath of fresh air in the industry.

Pisstaker2
SHITLIKE™ STOOL FRAGRANCE
We give SHITLIKE™ stool fragrance tablets free to all of our guests (unless they can still toilet themselves).
SHITLIKE™ was developed by Tenpasenta dietitians over 20 years, and finally obtained a food safety standards clean bill of health from the Nigerian department of food in 2010, although we've been using and distributing it since 1997 when it replaced our patented Crap-in-a-Condom™ stool recovery system.
Shitlike mint Shitlike coffee Shitlike Rose
   
You're buying an afterlife    
     
   
RECREATION
Geriatric sex KY with Ralgex Grab a Granny
As you get older sexual desires and needs may still be very high, many feel embarrassed by these feelings felt at a very old age.
If you are a geriatric or just plain old you don't need to hide your lusts, we are a broad minded church and the site of prune like couples at it around the home or estate does not shock us, though it does put our gag reflex to the test.
Join our very adult recreation club and get access to large supplies of KY jelly, Viagra, condoms, Mammoth sized vibrators, porno, rubber gloves and fresh towels. You will be also be given access to many secret areas around the Tenpasenta estate, including the mortuary.
Only £50 per week per person, this price includes transport, a member of staff to manipulate couples into various positions, and a packed lunch.
HIGH CLASS DINING
Geriatric dual use kitchen Geriatric dinner
Hand fed Our catering team provide some of the best geriatric care home food in the country, which isn't saying much.
All of our food is locally sourced from Lidl and is prepared in our unique dual purpose kitchens. For health and safety reasons we cannot disclose its second use in public, lets just say that all our residents will benefit from it in the future.
Just because our residents are past their prime is no excuse to hold back quality food from their diet, but as most can't tell the difference any more what the heck.
Baked beans on toast is standard fayre and has become a favourite meal among those who still have a sense of taste.
Our dedicated purée team can render the most expensive joints of meat to an almost intravenous level, guaranteeing the best sources of food and nutrients to the gummiest of guests.
Due to the uncertainty that surrounds this profession all of our fruit is ripe and ready to eat, there's no point in buying a 95 year old green bananas for example.
EXOTIC HOLIDAYS
Borneo
All of our residents are given an opportunity to go on a trip to the sun at least once a year.
They are taken to a tropical paradise, many are lead to believe they are in the forests of South East Asia or South America, either is good for us, and there a nominal charge of only £950 for up to a month if they enjoy it.
Just a single day of sunlight and greenery is often enough to keep them happy. Many holiday makers are surprised at how similar their hotel is to the cleaners store room, we tell them that the cleaner is from these parts, which hasn't failed yet.
This tropical paradise is in fact in our roof space where we grow totally legal plants that require special tending, don't worry, it's not Cannabis, we've never heard of that.
Holiday in Borneo
VISITOR DAYS
Visitor day This is a home, not a prison and we like to encourage family visits as often as they can be arsed to come.
Many of our residents come to us as husband and wife, unfortunately as one of the pair shuffles off to eternal life thanks to our Over50plan, the other is left alone.
As a unique service we bring any cremated loved ones back into the fold and reunite them with their partners once a week.
Geriatric home
old A cheery Alzheimer's ditty Oldtimers
speaker speaker
 
     
Shit Happens
   
PALLIATIVE CARE
Near death palliative care is kept as simple as possible, no point in pissing about now.
As if things couldn't be worse at this time we've looped bloody André Rieu on the telly. You'll be begging for your morphine within seconds.
Morphine
ABOUT TO DIE
So you're about to die
Tenpasenta finger
SO YOU'RE ABOUT TO DIE is an informative guide from Premium Funerals, as the name suggests it's for those who recognise the fact that they're on their last legs and need to know the facts of what the hell to do now.
Cock in Hand
DEATH HASTENING
New for 2017 funded by the NHS is Death Hastening.
Just like relatives and the National health service we realise that good care for the elderly can just prolong the life of a drooling vegetable, this extended life is not a pleasurable rewarding time for the care team or the very elderly person in question.
The advantages of our death hastening service is not just humanitarian but good financial sense. For too long geriatric care has involved prolonging life for the sole purpose of milking those in their care for monetary gain, now with thanks to the NHS "Liverpool Care Pathway" we no longer need to bother because they will cover our shortfall with cash up-front. By withdrawing food and water we will supervise the end of life process (starvation), we can even arrange the funeral.
This may appear to be an abhorrent approach to geriatric care, but if you were a beneficiary you would see all the positives.
Death Hastening
FUNERAL CHOICE
Funeral rehersals Thanks to our care home being in such a convenient location next to our graveyards, the views will keep you on your toes about your impending death, so before you plan your own funeral of your dreams, pop over and see what others are doing for theirs.
As you watch other prestigious funerals taking place you can cherry pick the parts that are right for you.
Daily trips are available for only £15 (return taxi fare), it's a great escape from the rigmarole of the dire care home routine.
Assisted visits are available from £25 per hour.
While you're out and about why not visit the Church bar, we don't advise mixing alcohol and medicines, but what the heck, the sleep may do you good, and you'll be dead soon anyway, so what's the worst that can happen?
DEATH AGONY*
Top Tip Often, there are characteristic signs when death is near; Changes in respirations may occur. Slow and fast respirations or long periods without a breath are common in the dying person. Moaning may occur with breaths but this does not necessarily mean the person is in pain. Secretions in the throat or the relaxing of the throat muscles can lead to noisy breathing, sometimes called the death rattle. Repositioning the patient or using drugs to dry secretions can minimize the noise if you find it annoying. This breathing can continue for many hours.
At the time of death, a few muscle contractions may occur and the chest may heave as if to breathe. The heart may beat a few minutes after breathing stops, and a brief seizure may occur. Consciousness may decrease. Mental confusion or decreased alertness may occur just prior to death. The limbs may become cool and perhaps bluish, mottled or blotchy. These changes occur due to a decrease in oxygen and the body's circulation slowing down. The person may suddenly become incontinent (unable to control bowel and/or urine elimination).

*We like to call this " Died peacefully in their sleep."
BODY REMOVAL SYSTEM
Professor Stephen Walking Hawking Our automated geriatric despatch system was devised with the help of Professor Stephen Walking Hawking the world renowned clever Dick.
On a recent visit to Woolston he visited Mark the vicar for advice on quantum economics. It was at this time he suggested a conveyor system for easy handling of the ex-residents, which not only offered many health and safety benefits for our staff, but maintained the dignity of the recently departed.
Tenpasenta Geriatric care is the first home to use this now patented system, above each bed is a discreetly placed body retrieval system (sack), into this the body of the recently deceased is carefully placed before being inserted into the bed head chute, this then leads to our geriatric storeroom ready for easy collection by the funeral collection team.
It has been said by the Hampshire County Council care home review team, that our innovative system could be seen to be in bad taste, but we point out that new European Union health and safety regulations dictate that it is the responsibility of care home managers to look after their staff and avoid any unnecessary strain injuries that could occur while handling a deceased person.
They can't have it both ways.
Dead body chute
Geriatric dispatch system Funeral collection van
As seen on BBC South Today  
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ABOUT US HISTORY DEATH MATERNITY RETIREMENT GERIATRIC CARE
WEDDINGS OVER50PLAN FUNDRAISING HUMANITARIAN ROYAL VISIT KIDS CLUB
SELF STORAGE GOLD4CHURCH REMEMBRANCE GIFT SHOP JOBS ESTATE
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