Tenpasenta Church gift shop

GIFTS

Our beautiful gifts are currently exclusive to the Tenpasenta Church gift shoppe and our eBay bulk outlet store.

Our newly refurbished shop is conveniently located next to our funeral chapel exit. This plush outlet reflects the quality materials and workmanship that goes into every Tenpasenta product.
Don't be fooled into thinking that the "made in China" labels means we buy cheap and sell high, although those who do come to this conclusion could be correct.

CARDS

As always, we have invested heavily to bring you an extensive range of quality Christmas and New Year cards, ideal for or any year.
Take a look at the small selection pictured here, and imagine the joy they will bring to your loved one during the festive season.
Only £1.20 each.

NICKNACKS

Salt and pepper shakers.	Hand counted black T shirt	Crematorium jigsaw. 8+ years, maybe quicker	Vicar Badge, Humorous
£8.99p	£5.99p	£9.99p	£4.99p
Bone china style mug with logo	Key ring, Humorous	Tenpasenta sign key ring, genuine leather look.	Church mugs, Humorous
£9.99p	£4.99p	£8.99p	£9.99p
One size fits all T-shirts, Medium and small.	Unfair trade cotton hats.	Last year's Christmas cards.	Selection of free leaflets
£9.99p	£5.99p	£2.99p	£8.99p

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PROSTHESIS

Also available in other shades, book early.

Thanks to our funeral advertising campaign in association with The Royal British Legion, we have come into possession of hundreds of army-surplus prosthetic body parts, some dating back to World War II.
We once used these as part of our shop mannequin repair business, many examples of which can still be seen in Tyrell & Green's Southampton.
Today we offer these various limbs for sale to the many crippled members of the general public.
Our prices compare favourably with those found on other charity sites.

OCULAR

Come and take a e look at our vast selection of prosthetic eyes.
Ideal as joke ice cubes or just as a novelty, maybe a replacement eye? We couldn't get any of them to work as we had no ophthalmic batteries, but they look okay.
Many appear to be hand painted and could be worth a few quid on the modern arts market.
One size fits all, maybe?

DENTURES

teeth

We understand that as many poor people get old their rotten old teeth may not be up to the tough job of chewing Spam, and with the NHS dental service being a bit hit or miss, getting new false gnashers could involve a long and painful problem.
We are able to obtain thousands of sets from our "donors", pop in and see if any fit.
Get that Simon Cowell smile from only £25.

Loose teeth are available to fill that ugly gap, we have them by the bucket, take a look, we have a free fitting service for all buyers. We guarantee that none of these have been through our crematorium, and if they had the black comes off in bleach.

Handy loose teeth.

PACEMAKERS

We have a vast array of Pacemakers from different eras, and you have the chance to buy one or more for either their novelty value, self implantation or for electrocuting your friends!
These fantastic life saving instruments eventually let down their host, and they thought they would live forever having one of these implanted.
We need to remove these before a cremation or else they cause costly problems, this means we can offer one to you from only £100.
The great thing is that they hold quite a potent electric charge, great for jokes or jump starting your car. Don't miss out.

WIGS

They say everyone can find fruit in their family tree, and the vicar's tree is no exception, cousin Gaylord joined our team in 2003, bringing years of hairdressing skill to our newly formed human hair wig and toupee division.
Gaylord's boutique is situated in the rear passage of the Church gift shop, and is always open to new business.

We have access to an undisclosed unlimited supply of human hair, meaning that we are able to manufacture some of the worlds most natural looking hair pieces, but don't take our word for it, give Gaylord a ring for some personal attention, or leave a message and he'll ring you.
Visit our automated chapel of rest to view a selection of the latest hairstyles that will soon become available to you in wig form.

PUDDING

	EMBALMERS CHOICE
	Mark the vicar has been proud to sell our very own recipe of Black Pudding, EMBALMERS CHOICE. Made entirely from locally sourced ingredients, these have been a popular part of many a breakfast meal among Southampton residents, we hope to enter our Embalmers choice black pudding into pudding competitions up North, we just can't be bothered with the long drive.

BONES

DOG BONES

Give your dog a treat with a vintage bone from our very wide selection, they are however marrow free but still have some kind of taste dogs love.
If you don't have a dog but do have a fancy garden, we keep the smaller toe bones that are ideal to cook, grind up and sprinkle on your flower beds or lawn as a 100% organic fertiliser.
We are proud suppliers of authentic human skulls, give that Shakespearean play a touch of class, give your occult meeting the realism it deserves or maybe just scare the Grandchildren shitless with a graphic tale of a long lost relative.
Depending on the weather conditions these quality bones are sun dried and sterile, although at other times we cannot be held responsible for any life threatening diseases you or your dog may catch, we believe flower beds to be safe throughout the year.

Dog bones from £1 each.
Fertiliser bones from £6 per 5 kilo sack.
Human skulls from only £40 each.

All bones have been unclaimed by relatives, so no worries there.

CRYSTALS

GRAVE
CRYSTALS

Everybody who has walked through a graveyard and noticed the brightly coloured glass chippings on some graves, hereby known as "crystals", has fancied taking a few home.
Now is your chance to buy some grave crystals, only 25p each
Dark blue.
Bright blue.
Brown.
White.
Green.

You could get your own for free from the graveyard, but you will be haunted by a poltergeist if you do!

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PAVING

We have some super paving slabs available, in fact you have over 12,000 to choose from, these luxury slabs will make a perfect addition to any garden, they can be used face down for that perfect patio, or maybe face up for an interesting pathway to your shed.
Thank's to the age of the old graveyard, nearly all paving slabs are the same colour, we can only imagine the troubles council cemeteries will have in the years ahead while trying to shift their paving slabs, the latest fashion appears to be for black headstones, and who will want a black patio? Our guess is that they are selling extra thick headstones that can have the words sliced off and used again.......if not we may do that for them in the future, watch this space.
We sell many of our slabs to Goths who like to transform their gardens into pretend cemeteries (that must please the parents), there must be a million uses for these individually crafted pieces of stone, although we can only think of three.

Paving slabs from only £8 each.

ORNAMENTAL


Add a touch of class to the ropiest of gardens.
Many landscape gardeners enquire about our range of modern garden ornaments, we're glad to say that the vicar has decided to start selling these, mainly due to the fact that he can't find any good use for them. Garden gnome range from 2' to 9'6", all appear to be granite or white marble, we have several arms and two heads without bodies for those interested. We have 5 superb stone cloches, standing at just over 2' 6" high, they would be ideal for growing mushrooms. Newly available from 2010 will be 3 beautifully built stone sheds, these really are great works of masonry art, there are several names and dates that have been chiseled into the marble ruining the effect, but these could easily be plastered over. Garden ornaments (mainly Angels) from £45. Stone cloches from £320. Sheds from £2000

DOORS

Wardrobe doors Italian design.

Due to clever management at the crematorium, we are pleased to offer for sale these premium Italian wardrobe doors, an excellent opportunity to beautify your bedroom at the fraction of the cost of an Italian carpenter hand making them, and personally delivering the product himself to your house.
Don't miss out, we have a limited stock of only 3000+.

BAGS

Body Bag

Ideal for any situation that requires hiding a dead body from general view.
Robust vinyl for rough or single person handling, these body bags are the first choice amongst professionals, especially those who get free samples from the manufacturer.
Our special offer price is only £25, they are worth buying just for keeping your spare clothes dust free under the bed, in fact they are ultimate gift for anyone with an untidy house.

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