Guaranteed Over 50 Plan

The thought of dying can be a worry for some, especially those who are terminally ill, aircraft passengers, or just those in their "autumn" years. That's why we target most of our advertising to these vulnerable or worried groups, but you don't need to be dying soon to benefit, that's why we started the Guaranteed Over 50 plan.
For over £50 a month you can guarantee yourself the afterlife you always dreamt of.
This plan is backed by the Tenpasenta Church, Europe's largest and wealthiest secular Church and insurance underwriters, we specialise in offering the highest quality religious style experiences that money can buy, and that includes special deals made between us and higher imaginary authorities, enabling us to offer afterlife guarantees that real Churches can only offer without any form of guarantee only belief, can you believe that?
By relieving your bank account of relatively small amounts of cash each month, you're in the Afterlife plan, simple as that!
It will be a big relief to you on your deathbed knowing that you're just one step away from the afterlife and eternal bliss your daft enough to believe in, and it's all thanks to us.
Contact our Afterlife direct team today, once you've joined, a luxury free welcome gift will be posted you, or better still come and get it.
Act today to avoid the winter rush, (if it's winter now, hurry up).

“This was me, twenty years ago, the same time I began to manage the Tenpasenta Guaranteed Over 50 plan, and in that time I've met several interesting people, and have a couple of lasting happy memories, but if you want to leave your loved one more than just happy memories, join the Guaranteed Over 50 plan today.
If you're already over 50, and pay over £50 per month for over 50 years, we will throw in a FREE luxury funeral.* We don't joke about offers this HOT, your luxury funeral* is guaranteed!
However if you were to die before the 50 year dead line this scheme has NO cash in value.”

*As cheap as we can get away with.

Guaranteed over 50 plan, what people say

	SUBSCRIPTION

Free gift for you.	Fees update.		Mark the Vicar.
	We have changed our life long subscription to reflect the hardship many are feeling during this financial period, therefore from midnight on 22nd April 2009, Mark the vicar has declared a one off payment of only £4500 from anybody of ANY age is all that is required for a life subscription. All low income earners over 106 years old will get FREE membership! That's a guaranteed afterlife for nowt! Some younger cancer victims feel this to be a little unfair, tough, buy the £4500 deal, however we have received two messages from the ultra old who have made it their priority to reach 106, we say good luck. There has never been a better time to join and guarantee yourself the afterlife you do, or do not deserve. Every life subscription not only includes an exciting free gift (illustration left), but also free entry into the public areas of the Tenpasenta Church estate, the usual charge of £5 per entry means the more you visit the more you save! Plus for a limited time if you make yourself known to be a member when you visit, our vicar's will let you do some unpaid work around the estate, this could hasten your transit to the Afterlife if you are elderly or ill, this is a truly great bonus if you're fed up with mortal life in this realm, official name for these people is "A Nutcase".

10% Tithe standard.

As we all know the most secure way of getting to Heaven and the afterlife is through the regular tithe payment system of old, unlike other Churches who accept 10% of your cash for basically no return, we offer the afterlife you were indoctrinated into believing was real, and who are we to shatter your childish dreams?
As long as your donation is larger or equal to at least 10% of your net income, your safe transit to the afterlife is fully guaranteed.
Remember the Tenpasenta Church is the only Church to guarantee eternal life and still keep your Sundays all to yourself.

THINK!

2002 figures for cause of death
These statistics should encourage you to join.
Buy now or just donate your hard earned money.

Earn 10% no claims bonus after 50 years!

AFFORDABLE

Premiums start from 10% of your net income per month, but if you would like to pay a more you can.			The first month’s premium is not free, benefit from knowing your own money is going straight into your chosen plan, ie our bank account.
The premium you choose will never go down, and your cover will never go up, no matter what happens to your health, relax in knowing your future afterlife maybe safe.			You will get a special gift to welcome you into the Plan. For each friend you invite to join you will receive their free gift instead of them! This would put you on the gravy train for life!
You need to keep paying into the plan every month throughout your life, if you were stop paying for any reason the Grim Reaper will delay your transit to the afterlife, he may even send you to the fires of Hell and eternal damnation! If you were to become seriously ill just before your death, be sure your payments are secure, why not set up an everlasting direct debit.			If you have access to your local library or even a real Church, you can find out about the afterlife you're buying into. You will not believe how fantastic it sounds, all your dead fellow Tenpasenta Afterlife friends and family will be there in the peak of fitness, in fact as they were at the peak of their lives, even aborted foetuses, and the still born, even genetic freaks somehow? Visit your Doctor regularly to keep track of how long you may have left to live, don't get too excited if you're about to die.

GIFT

Why not give the ultimate gift to the one you love, the gift of a guaranteed afterlife, thanks to the Tenpasenta Church and you.
Some may call it the gift money can't buy, but they are wrong, you can buy it from us for £4500 and they are in.
Once bought you will be emailed a blank afterlife gift voucher, you can then pass it on at your chosen time, imagine the joy and relief this gift will bring, especially to an elderly friend or sick relative near death.
This gift is the ultimate gift, but once sold they cannot be returned as unwanted, we're not Marks & Spencers.

GUARANTEE

The Tenpasenta Church has been selling no frills Afterlife plans for 170 years, in that time nearly eight million people have signed up with us, and nobody that was confirmed dead has ever made a complaint. A ringing endorsement in itself for the quality of our sensational guaranteed Afterlife service.
We are so confident that you will be fully satisfied with your efficient transit to the Afterlife, that we have put in place a 30 day 100% full refund guarantee.
Full terms and conditions of our Afterlife guarantee are available to see in our "Red Book of Enlightenment" on written request.
To claim a refund if not fully satisfied, simply fill in the form placed in your coffin within 30 days of burial or cremation.
No other Church offers this kind of guaranteed afterlife service.

The Red Book, available at the vistor centre

	OVER 80?
	If you are over 80 years old things don't look so good in the general assurance market. If you are a billionaire like the beautiful Duchess of Alba, left, you will always be welcome, if you are an ancient old duffer like the gentlemen on the right, you will have to try and make your body younger looking and lie about your age. But you will always be welcome here at the over 50 plan afterlife office. We don't care how old you are, as long as you have at least £4500 to give you'll be welcome here.

Afterlife guarantee.