The
Tenpasenta Church
Southampton
 
 
 

Weddings

 
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weddings in Southampton
1986
Weddings for the privileged or discerning couple.
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QUALITY WEDDINGS

Tenpasenta vicarage
Crematorium sign and weddingsGetting married is a very special time in your life, and maybe your future partners life too, however many times you end up doing it.
Whether you marry for love or money it's important to make it a special occasion.
Don't get fobbed off with a cheap ceremony at your local Church or registry office, spend your inheritance or life savings and get married at Southampton's Tenpasenta Church.
The Tenpasenta Church is the ideal spot to tie the knot, fully registered for births, deaths, and funerals, whatever that means.
£350 will buy you the Church for one hour, but the bar area will remain open to registered Tenpasenta members.
You will need to provide your own registrar as we can't be bothered with all that legal stuff. No expense has gone into providing you with the highest priced wedding that we can negotiate, giving you the peace of mind in knowing that your guests will think you're more than just a little bit flash.
We have a six month waiting list for those wanting to marry at our Premium Church when combined with a vicarage reception, it's well worth the long wait.
Tenpasenta Church
If you wanted a summer wedding you better get your finger out, every bugger wants one. Roll on global warming we say, that should spread things out a bit.
If you can't wait because that secret baby is due soon, visit our Budget section.
Tenpasenta Church members have always been able to use the vicarage gardens for their wedding photographs after giving us cash donations, but now we have opened part of the vicarage ground floor for wedding receptions or wakes for any paying customers.
We have released enough space for up to 2000 standing, or 800 sitting guests.
This is a fantastic opportunity for everyone to see how well Mark the vicar and his hangers on live. You will see for yourself why donations and high service fees are so important to our Church.
Tenpasenta Vicarage
SCENIC
Tenpasenta Church in Winter Our Premier Church has a small disused graveyard surrounding it, ideal for those liking old headstones in their wedding snaps, but why anybody would is beyond me.

Tenpasenta wedding
   
Tenpasenta Church home    
     
   
CASINO
Casino Southampton Resident grave digger and sub under vicar Brian is the pit Boss of our Monte Carlo style rigged casino.
The casino is the largest casino in Woolston, boasting the latest video fruit machines, including the Crazy Crucifix whose mega jackpot is still rising, in fact it's never been won since we opened legally in 2008, maybe one of your wedding guests be our first big winner? Doubt it. £1 a spin.
We also offer traditional table games such as Blackjack, Roulette, Bingo and noughts and crosses.
If you wanted a first rate disco, our locum nun Sister Mary can spin the discs for only £200 and a running bar tab, good value indeed.
crazy crucifix
VICARAGE
Urn View a water birth During your reception at the vicarage why not take a look at the tennis courts and swimming pool around the back, be careful because the fence is electrified to 2000 volts.
Imagine what it must be like to be as wealthy as the vicar, funny to think that part of being rich is having these kinds of sporting facilities yet never use them.
Remember that by having your wedding with us you are buying into this ultimate luxury yourself for the day, please don't visit uninvited because you will not be welcome, many will be stripped of their wallet or handbag and ejected from the estate.
View our coffin range as you eat
PHOTO
Tenpasenta Vicarage
About the vicarage grounds are areas of outstanding beauty, we have special plaques marking these photo opportunities.
These spots are an invaluable aid in keeping peoples wedding albums nice and uniform, that way when you check out a friends wedding pictures you can say "we stood there too".
One such point is the view across the VIP car park facing the original Tenpasenta Church from New York, if you're lucky you may catch a budget wedding or funeral in progress, always good for a laugh.
Tenpasenta Photo op
WINDOW
Simulated view from Tenpasenta vicarage
 
Take a rest in our beautiful Sun lounge, with views over the lawns towards our storage facility, cremation pyres, mortuary, Southampton water and the local sewerage works, we're sure you will agree it's a memorable sight.
Pictured left is a simulated webcam view, imagine yourself in one of those comfy old chairs reading the hefty bill your Father is going to be left with.
Bint getting married
PARKING
We only host one Premium wedding reception per day, all our staff are dedicated to making your day the most special day ever, even though to be honest every reception is pretty much as special as another, bloody boring to be honest.
Note, only new or ultra luxury cars may be parked in the VIP parking bays, ANY vehicle parked here and deemed to lower the tone will be removed to the far end of the estate next to the funeral pyres, examples include Porsche Cayenne, Fiat Multipla, and all brightly coloured cars, if you bought one of these we recommend you seek psychiatric care.
We have 3 disabled bays, these are for disabled drivers or passengers and have not been provided for wealthy drivers who believe that having a few quid entitles them to park where they want, one such Bentley continental driver was more than a little surprised to find his car re-parked off the end of our quay.
Aston Martin

BUDGET STYLE

We have a unique turn up and wait Budget wedding service. Just take a number when you arrive at our Budget Church and wait to be called.
These marriages may not be strictly legal, but what do you expect for £25 each?
Being on a budget often means giving up any ideas of wearing traditional wedding garb, that's why the vicar invested heavily in our very own "heads through the holes" photo booth, for only £5 per pose your wedding picture will be a picture of style and class, a photo that will be both a focal and talking point on many a council house wall within your family for year's to come.
Take a ticket Ticket machine Budget wedding photo boothe

INVITATIONS

Invitation cards Give your wedding a touch of class by sending our bespoke beautifully hand written style invitation cards. Each card exudes quality, giving your invited guests a taste of the luxurious things to come.
Discounts for purchases over 1000. Or just £1 each.
By using a black marker pen these unique invitation cards can be simply updated to a funeral invitation, giving them a duel use and added extra value if you'd bought too many.
 
     
   

SONGS

Songs of Praise Southampton BBC1
Our very own choir can be hired at high rates, formed in 1968 they have won several singing awards, even appearing in the audience on a 1978 edition of the BBC's Songs of Praise.
Unfortunately only 17, sorry 14 of the original 40 singers are alive today, 3 of which suffer dementia but still sound great.
Remember the Tenpasenta singers will not be around forever (thank goodness), so book now.
FLORAL
Wedding flowers We have a nice selection of wedding flowers. All flowers are locally sourced and available to you at very competitive prices. No need to book ahead as we can supply on the day of your wedding. You can visit several flower arrangement displays left around our graveyard, point out the arrangement you are interested in, and you will find an exact "copy" ready for you at your wedding ceremony. In a novel twist we have noticed many brides who throw a wreath after their wedding are trying to throw it over a nearby lamp post, three have succeeded. Good luck. Wedding flowers
PERSONAL
Vicars and Tarts Mark the vicar is happy to visit your Hen party, especially if you're theme is Vicars and Tarts.
Attractive female guests may find themselves invited back to the vicar's private apartments and given a personal service by the vicar himself, a treat indeed.


   
Tenpasenta Church home    
     
   
QUALITY FILMING
Tenpasenta Movie service   Indian Wedding
Being one of Europe's most reputable Churches means we had to invest in the very best digital camera technology to capture your big day.
By buying directly from the Atomic Weapons Agency in Libya, means we have obtained some pretty slick industrial grade movie equipment. We have yet to find a proper use for the X-ray option, but I'm sure we'll think of something. Mark the vicar has tested the X-ray facility while in Hong Kong, he claims the function had probably been disabled by the Libyans for safety reasons as he noticed nothing special beyond the cameras ability to make him look a lot slimmer.
Every wedding video is edited using Microsoft Movie Maker, this top end editing suite is used by DreamWorks/Disney for their movies, perhaps.
  Iranian Camera  
In this age of digital imaging, making a quality wedding film has never been easier or more profitable. Using skills learned from making our own funeral service films, we are proud to offer a very personal in house Wedding Movie Service.
We offer customers a choice of the most modern video formats available, including the new and very popular HD DVD!
Prices start at only £50 for a ten minute unedited movie, which basically consists of the opening titles and end credits. £8,000 buys our full wedding day special, we follow the happy couple for the whole day, these videos are guaranteed to bore even your closest relative shitless.
(If you were to opt into our free autopsy offer, we can film that too.)
   
GREAT MEALS
Collyer Catering
We offer a choice of two luxurious meals for both normal people and vegetarians (vegans better grow up), both meals are hand prepared by our own in-house catering team, who will collect your choice from Sainsburys' restaurant only five minutes drive away. At only £42 per head, not only are these nutritious meals everybody will love, but fantastic value too.
Film Film
Fry up Salad Bog Roll
Film Film
We have two large patio areas at the vicarage, both are available to our wedding parties on fair days.
The south facing patio has stunning views across woolston, the east facing patio has a built in barbecue made from ashes2bricks, it faces the crematorium, so that's ironic.
A short walk from here is the Church shop, admire the paving on your way, it's a selection of the best headstones excavated here in the 70's.
The Premier Church is also here, a great photo opportunity for those liking that traditional church look but were too tight fisted to get married there in the first, guests will be pleased to hear that it is now the Cock in Hand pub and they are entitled to free ice with their beer if they take the bride or groom.
Ashes 2 bricks bbq
COMBINED WEDDING DEAL
Tenpasenta
Wedding autopsy winner The caring Tenpasenta Church is never backward in coming forward with great new money saving ideas for you that also mean extra business for us. Because our funeral business and wedding venues are all within easy reach of each other we now offer all Tenpasenta newly married couples the option of having a FREE autopsy done on themselves just after the wedding service.
Couples can save over £5000 with this deal, but would also have to agree to a Tenpasenta funeral also done by us to qualify.
Couples having a FREE wedding day autopsy will also benefit from being happily married until death do they part, something which much of the married population cannot boast, we recommend couples have a joint funeral too which would be a truly romantic departure.
Many people traditionally get buried or cremated in their old wedding clothes, we can arrange for brides to have their wedding dresses dyed black during their autopsy for only £50. No need to cancel the wedding reception as this can become a wake. Grieving relatives can enjoy our premium Church Cock in hand bar facilities. Let your partner go first, then opt out yourself, an excellent way to benefit from your new partners Will. autoopsy vicar
BIG DECISION
Tenpasenta
Chopped up couple Remember, having an autopsy is a big decision to make, it will effect you and your partners whole future, or lack of it.
As a couple you should decide if it's the right move for you, but with £5000 worth of savings to be made don't think too long and miss out. You will also save thousands by not getting a mortgage or having expensive children to look after for bloody years.
Just before the euthanasia process (pushed down the stairs) if one of you should change your mind, and we had not arranged a secret opt out for you (Safety word system), we will carry on regardless, this is a joint offer* and we are not prepared to go back on a contract just because of petty last minute thoughts.

*if one of you opt out we will give you the nod, if both of you secretly opt out we will still dispose of one of you, usually the best looking.
As seen on BBC South Today
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