Tenpasenta Church
of England.
Death Service

ABOUT US	WEDDINGS	MATERNITY	KIDS CLUB	OVER50PLAN	RETIREMENT
GERIATRIC	DEATH	REMEMBRANCE	GIFT SHOP	ROYAL VISIT	HUMANITARIAN
FUNDRAISING	GOLD4CHURCH	SELF STORAGE	HISTORY	ESTATE	VACANCIES

You're not just buying a lifestyle,
but an afterlife style

FUNERAL HOME HUB

Once we've received the call to our busy call centre in India telling us of a persons sad demise their body becomes very important to us, it's from this time that we can start selling as many unnecessary tasks that we hope to get away with.
If funeral insurance is covering costs this will magically cover the price of even the most expensive procedures, even if done with the cheapest of materials.
We can collect the decedent from anywhere within a fifty mile radius of Southampton at no extra charge (except the Isle of Wight, as driving our brightly liveried private ambulance onto the ferry upsets the passenger's), although if it were to cost us a lot we will increase the cost of something else, we're not a charity. Distances over fifty miles will incur a £5 per mile surcharge, so if they died in Scotland, for example, we suggest the family hire a van for the day and collect it themselves.
Basic body bags are available at our reception desk for £9 each or £35 each for Premium customers.

Our mortuary/chill room warehouse was designed to provide cold storage for 800 tons of frozen vegetables, but since Tesco moved out it can now hold up to 500 bodies including bays rented out to local funeral directors. Right and below are views of our large state of the art mortuary/chill room regional hub, it's situated in the same warehouse as our value for money self-storage units. We like to use body bags for the majority of those in our care, we hate looking at dead people, this will now incur an additional 5p carrier bag tax.
Our self-storage units are an ideal solution for the deceased persons now dispossessed possessions.

For some reason, we separate male and female bodies, who knows what goes on when the lights are out. We used to store in alphabetical order, but our American technician would put all unknown bodies under D for John or Jane Doe, which just confused matters.
Many people worry that they may wake up in the mortuary, or even be buried or cremated alive after being mistakenly declared dead, rest assured after going through any of the following procedures will guarantee that it will not happen, except maybe the waking up in the mortuary part. Our Premium customers are hermetically sealed in stylish body bags on arrival so we expect they'd suffocate first anyway.
Our staff were shocked to read in the newspaper that Britain's second-largest (behind us) funeral director Co-op funeral care are copying our methods. LINK I guess they believe in "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em".
We have a separate Stinker fridge used to hold our more ripe clientele, we leave this section for the trainees to look after for obvious odious reasons.

CRYONICS

We also have 507 bits of bodies in our special cryonics room that we recently received from America, including parts of Walt Disney. his family insist he's buried at Forest Lawn Cemetery in Glendale, California.....well guess what.
The deceased were frozen over 30 years ago and expect to be defrosted and revived when scientists find a cure for their diseases. Birds eye sponsored

If they find a cure for gullibility we’ll-all have a drink and remember the good times, silly Yanks!

AUTOPSIES

Our special internet trained technicians will carry out private autopsies if requested to do so. Prices start at only £1200 and this will help determine the cause of death and could even help in a lucrative insurance claim.
We also have specialist forensic autopsies from just £2000, the results are admissible in any court; due to language barriers we do not operate in Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and Liverpool. There are many misconceptions about how much information can be derived, for example, time of death, ante-mortem and post-mortem injuries can be problematic, but we can usually make something up to suit a particular case.
Unique Wedding day autopsy specials are available from our wedding section, save BIG money.
An autopsy is a pretty brutal affair, however every effort is made to keep parts that will be visible during a viewing as unaffected as possible, even though your loved one will have had their hair and face peeled down to their chin.
Remember due to the nature of the brains structure it may have required fixing in formalin for proper forensic studies. If the body is due to be buried or cremated before the brain has been reunited, the next of kin will usually be informed, mind you we have jars around here with bits dating back over 10 years, we've never told their families, imagine the phone call, "hello Mrs Smith, we've just found your late husbands left testicle and we would like to dispose of it, did you want to collect or shall we just DHL it?"

ORGANS

Please leave any special requests with our reception staff regarding the disposal of a loved ones autopsied internal organs as we offer various options:

	Don't worry yourself about what goes on, we'll just use a 5p carrier bag or feed to the dogs, you can just pretend nothing happened (popular).	FREE
	Most organs will be dumped back into the body cavity in a viscera bag and the body stitched up roughly with twine, this could include some brain parts, don't worry we pack the skull with scrunched up paper.	£50
	We incinerate organs in our modified chicken incinerator with the rest of the organic crap. This is a great option for us as it makes embalming a lot easier and the body lighter for our elderly funeral staff to handle.	£200
	We auction useful organs on eBay.in unfortunately most removed organs from autopsies have been sliced up with a Breadknife and are useless for transplants, we still sell them and then claim on the postage insurance as "damaged in transit".	£800

If you can't decide for yourself our friendly funeral councillor will advise you on the option that suits us best.

Just part of a mortuary slab for a nice effect

EMBALMING

Our arterial embalming service is just another cash cow, bodies that have not died from a contagious disease are in fact not a big health hazard, this process is mostly done for appearance sake, if possible we just do a basic, but before it is done we usually require one of the following: Head block

1. The bereaved to be easily manipulated.
2. The body needs to be displayed to family and friends.
3. Just the fact they have fully comprehensive funeral insurance.
The best and cheapest way to preserve the body after death is obviously having it frozen until it is disposed of, but the concept of a loved one lounging like a butterball turkey in a freezer can be abhorrent to some, this kind of near thinking is why we decided to join the embalming game in the first place.
Using methods almost unseen since the 1800's, we are able replace blood and generally inject everywhere with a vast range of multi-coloured embalming products that help not only slow down the deterioration of the body, but remove that bloody horrible blotchy or overly pale appearance that none of us here likes to see when going to the fridge. We can even remove unsightly wrinkles from the elderly, giving them that youthful facelift they couldn't afford in life.
Who would believe it? But a dead body still produces foul-smelling gasses and liquids as it breaks down during decomposition, who wants to visit a stinky corpse at the chapel of rest, more importantly, why would our staff want to handle it? By injecting fragrant liquids and preservatives into just about every cavity that we can charge for this problem is reduced, or you could just rub a little Vicks VapoRub under your nose like most of us here do when messing about with the dead.
Prices from £60 for 'straight cases', and £70 for 'PM' cases, bargain.

If a corpse could feel pain, I'd guess this process would be unpleasant to say the least, maybe with only cremation being worse. Here we have some of the crap we use to give the natural look bereaved expect to see. Why they can't accept the realities of death we don't know

As you may be aware the human body has many natural orifices which provide their problems regarding leaks and seepage of different levels and types. We make every effort to reduce the build-up of fluids within the body by liberal use of special cat litter like powders and by using cotton wool plugs, our premium customers benefit from deluxe plugs manufactured by Tampax or Lil-lets (subject to 5% luxury tax) for that extra silky comfort ideal for the more liberal female corpse.
The cotton plugs will be packed to varying depths into every hole both natural or deliberate, we still use chalk dust to help mop up in there, we are just too tight-fisted to use the more elaborate powders that are available.
We have developed with help from the scientists at Tena Lady a range of extra secure coffin knickers and coffin pads, guaranteeing that even the ripest of corpse will not leak and possibly stink up our hearse or ruin a cheaper coffin base, just imagine the embarrassment of your loved one being taken from the hearse and seeing their clammy arse hanging out from a soggy coffin bottom, but if this does appeal to your families sense of humour you may be interested in one of our Budget funerals.

Above is a sample of cheap eye caps used to cover ugly sunken eyeballs, try our realistic Acuvue2..

Lip formers, they're often used by celebrates for that stupid trout pout selfie look, even when they're not dead.

A plastic insert for that nice natural mouth and cheek shape, ideal for a ripe cadaver.

	At the Tenpasenta Church we understand the importance that many people place on brand named products, and being dead is no excuse to stop using them, that's why we like to use funerary products based on high street brands. Eye caps, for example, are enhanced by the addition of ACUVUE2 colours contact lenses, the outward look of the closed eyelids is identical to cheap eye caps with no sunken eyes, but in the event of an eye becoming unglued there will be a natural-looking eye therefore not scaring any potential viewer shitless. We only use BOSTIK glue and avoid the overuse of twines and wire whenever possible, many embalmers will use hidden stitching techniques to hold bits in place like the jaw tightly closed, but a closer look at a cheaply embalmed corpse that has also been autopsied will look more like a rolled pork joint. We like to use our supplier of overpriced cosmetics as they are part of a tax expense fiddle, We charge £56 for a makeover, and all the work is done by makeup students from Southampton university, but remember nobody can correct natural ugliness.

Embalmied face after eye glue jaw stich and lipseal

Sophie Ellis-Bextor pale embalming fluid

We have a wide range of exclusive embalming fluid colours from the L'Oreal Sublime range.
Colours vary from David Dickinson orange to Sophie Ellis-Bextor pale, name a celebrity and we will try to match their skin colouring, just don't however request Michael Jackson's!
We are happy to dress the deceased in their personal clothing, but please make sure they are clean, no point in going to all this trouble just to be dressed like a smelly old tramp. We can supply funeral gowns of different styles and colours at very high prices, but to be honest these are more for our benefit than yours.

Protecting face of embalmed person to avoid pressure damage

PRESIDENTIAL RANGE EMBALMING FLUID

This site is not suitable for churchy types

RECONSTRUCTIVE

	One of the wonders of embalming is the ability to reconstruct a disfigured corpse into that resembling a sick person asleep. These techniques are especially important after an accident for example, when nobody wants to view a deceased relative only to find a scene from the Exorcist. It must be stressed however that some artistic licence should be taken into account before a viewing, expect it to be a bit like a visit to Madame Tussauds. We are very happy to restore even the ripest of corpse for a viewing, we once restored a 25 stone woman from a tray of ashes after we cremated someone by mistake, the family knew no different at the viewing, however they were a little surprised when our hearse driver became the sole pallbearer carrying the coffin on one shoulder greeting the mourners with a friendly "where do you want it?" See some examples below.

STEAM ROLLER

Mrs Hilda Climb arrived in a very poor state of death, she had been in a terrible accident while attending the New Forest Show involving a vintage steam roller and a sharp push in the back.
All we required was a family photo, access to our stock of quality morticians supplies, time and a strong stomach.
We're sure you will agree that the results are stunning.
Her young Grandson asked us if his Dad would become one of the Thunderbirds too when he died, we said yes, though we have no idea what he was talking about.

EATEN BODY

This Mexican looking bloke appeared to have been exposed to wild animals or similar, anyway just by using a photo and off the shelf embalming products we were able to create a great likeness to a generic Hispanic male.
It's debatable as to whether the likeness was like the picture we received, but in some cases, we only do this kind of work for easy money, especially as in this case nobody except the Police wanted to look.
The more things we can add to the bill the better, we're sure that if you were our lucky shareholder you would understand.

JIGSAW MAN 1

Earlier this year we had the problem of a gentleman who had been chopped up by the local Mafia. Relatives, however, wanted a classic viewing, this could have been a problem for common or garden local funeral director, but here at Tenpasenta Premium Funerals, nothing is too much trouble, except maybe lower fees.
Most of his relatives were very impressed with the results, those who actually remembered what he looked like a little less so.
We recommend that families do not supply 30-year-old photographs in the first place, so it's not all our fault, whatever the newspapers said.

JIGSAW MAN 2

This poor bloke had a close encounter with a manic Samurai when visiting the local YO! Sushi. If there is any good is to come from this it's the fact that he had built up a bill of over £60 before death.
Whether or not the non-payment of the bill and the brief scuffle that followed was the cause of his death are still in dispute.
There appeared to be a few bits missing, but we are experts in reconstruction and the body should be ready for viewing very soon.

crem fresh pizza, dawson windows, gold for church. cock in hand

SCIENCE AND YOU

Whenever possible we recommend clients plan well ahead, make sure you fill out the right forms if you want to donate your body to medical science, for a handling fee we can arrange this for you.
If you would prefer we can let our team of body cutters inspect your dead loved ones cadaver, they are happy to make a few quid selling bits and pieces from a decent body to one of our many pharmaceutical contacts.
This WILL reduce your final funeral bill substantially, potentially £10.

If the body does not meet our strict requirements it will be passed on to the local medical school or embalming college where it will probably be found knocking around for the next three years or maybe much longer, bringing education and amusement to many.
We hear that the cadaver may be cremated by them for free which is well worth the humiliation that being dissected by students brings.
Many people say that they don't care what happens to them after death, which is a good thing when you know what could.

Fancy a last chance to be in a luxury car that isn't a hearse? Well if you donated your cadaver to science you could be in luck
Not all cadavers are chopped up in the name of medical training, but could be used in crash tests, ballistic tests or God knows what, which is quite exciting.

MEDICAL DONATION

The idea of big money for little effort is very appealing, and we can earn thousands from every loved one we disarticulate.
Whenever possible we like to strip healthy bodies of useful donor-parts, from arteries to bone marrow, joints to limbs, there is a ready market and it's possible to get over £100k from a nicely stripped fresh corpse! We don't like to fuel the black market in organs but what the heck, better than burning or burying a valuable commodity, thanks to the NHS.
Don't worry about the deceased being all floppy after the large bones have been harvested, we use PVC pipes from B&Q to replace and provide rigidity, a biodegradable replacement is available for closely monitored burials or cremations.

The Thiel Soft Embalmed Cadaver system will leave you or your loved ones cadaver floating about in formaldehyde for at least a year, which could surprise a medical student when they realise they're about to dissect their late Grandma, but it's nice to reconnect with family you've not seen in a while.
We believe this to be an excellent way for students to work on cadavers, even though they'll be grey and smelly.
Whole bodies going to science legitimately does hit our bottom line, sending body parts from a fresh cadaver brings in a fair few quid.
For this reason, we checked the internet for an hour to gather facts and a way and get into this game using our own method.

After seeing the bulk tanks used to preserve and store cadavers until required by science we developed our own system to deliver the cadavers directly to research institutes saving them millions in preservation tanks and staff. Our cadaver system means that a body will be available anywhere in the country with a delivery possible with only 1 hours notice.
Our unique and secret system even means that your loved one can remain in the house with you or possibly a neighbours. Our system guarantees the body will be in its own tank, not shared and flouting about with god knows how many.
We will contact the next of kin when the body is to be collected by our expert team, at this time we will divulge the secret as to where they were kept within the home so that you can say a final goodbye.

ABOUT US	WEDDINGS	MATERNITY	KIDS CLUB	OVER50PLAN	RETIREMENT
GERIATRIC	DEATH	REMEMBRANCE	GIFT SHOP	ROYAL VISIT	HUMANITARIAN
FUNDRAISING	GOLD4CHURCH	SELF STORAGE	HISTORY	ESTATE	VACANCIES

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Copyright M. Collyer
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