Tenpasenta Church
of England.
Geriatric care
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Woolston geriatric home


Geriatric ward
Truss Tena ladies
We have one of the most advanced and service friendly Geriatric care homes in our part of Woolston.
We have adopted a tried a trusted ward system, with the wards being single-sex on each floor, the male Russ ward and two female Ena ladies wards.
Wards provide the dedicated care that our elderly guests deserve, whilst providing a seemingly private environment within the curtains, to be honest, most in our care don't know if they are in our care or at the Ritz hotel, thanks dementia, so we bill them accordingly.
This high standard of care does not come cheap, in fact, we are the most expensive in our street, but it does keep the riff-raff out. It's a well-known fact that one of our main jobs to extract as much money as quickly as we can get it, by the nature of the business our customers don't hang around long, unfortunately, some do hang around a little longer than their families like and financial detriment.
about to die


Happy Geriatric Geriatric Lady holding mug geriatric day room
Daycare for those who wish a change of scene takes place in our large lounge or corridors, we have a selection of high backed urine and stool repellent chairs, and a range of comfy wheelchairs, perfect for quick positioning by an open window if required. A 60inch Sony plasma high volume television is available to watch old films on, this is a request service, and because none of our decrepit guests even know what a plasma TV is it's still in the box. Brian the sub under vicar likes to visit and give his renditions of popular songs on his guitar, he can't play or sing a note, and we've had no official complaints to date, but he was once seen leaving with a walking stick rammed up his arse. Our on-site medical teams are trained in all aspects of Geriatric medicine, they are on hand all day to provide what could be life-prolonging care.


Night care may not be on par with our daycare, but as most people die in their sleep it makes sense not to employ a night shift of doctors just to watch people peg it.
Nights are covered by twelve world-class nurses from Nigeria using their skills to take a wide choice of biscuits and tepid tea or coffee around the wards every three hours.
All staff are well-practised in high-speed arse wiping, which can bring relief to all, not just the culprit. A regular patient turning service is available for the inactive, this helps prevent pressure sores, a problem many readers will remember from days in bed as a student or unemployed, we recommend EPABS which is available to all of our beds, and is charged by the kilowatt-hour.
Geriatric care dispatch
We were the first in the world to develop electrical arse stimulation to prevent bedsores!
extreme Bedsores Electric Bedsore system
Bedsores can be a problem for the inactive resident and regular turning may not alleviate the condition. Here at Tenpasenta geriatric care, we offer the worlds first Electronic Pulse Anti Bedsore System.
EPABS. sends a regular pulse of electricity through the body causing muscle contractions and stimulating blood supply to body-bed contact areas.
This patented device was developed by Mark the Vicar after watching an old Frankenstein film. This is an experimental system at present, but after seeing spectacular results it may soon become commercially available.
One male guest was able to build the body of an Adonis using our system, in fact, his body became so bulky he didn't fit into the coffin he'd pre-ordered.
Electric Bedsore system Saggy geriatric bottom returned to that of an 18 year old
Woolston as viewed from the Bahamas Woolston is known by millions as being the most picturesque town in East Southampton just over the bridge, take a look at the picture on the left, it's a view of Woolston as seen from the Bahamas. Every luxurious shop from Spar to Woolworth's was once only a walk away from our care home. But to be honest who would want to drag themselves away from our care in the first place? Especially those bedridden, disabled, blind or worse. If you are a carer placing your liability with us for their final year/s be sure to build up our location and facilities as best you can, the chances are they will never go outside, and giving them the impression that they are living somewhere special gives us the opportunity to bump the price up a bit, of which we will pay 10% commission directly back to you!
Woolston bridge with floating body Tenpasenta Church vicar in Wooston
great books for geriatrics to read Geriatric care calender
Not only do we provide secure accommodation for local coffin dodger's, but an unrivalled care package within this sector.
Our residents are treated as if they were distant relatives of our very own disjointed family. We like to follow guidelines that were all the rage in 1972,in fact many residents will be treated in exactly the same manner that they treated their own elderly parents or relatives, right up until the time they lose all their faculties and are then stripped of their valuables and assets prior to their death.
Because of the frailty of many of our guests we only give our beautiful free calendars out one month at a time.

Like they say, what goes around, comes around.
Tenpasenta logo
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Shit Happens
Herr E Kuntz next to geriatric extractor fan

It's a well-known fact that some geriatric care homes can smell of urine and faeces. It's not the resident's fault that they may have double incontinence, but then it's not nice for our staff and visitors to be in that stench for any length of time.
We are the first geriatric care home in Britain to design and install its very own high-performance industrial-grade air extractors and purifiers, German aerospace engineer Original Pisstaker geriatric smell extractorHerr Eric Kuntz was commissioned to update Mark the vicars original design, and after a years work we now have the revolutionary geriatric air purifier system the Pisstaker.2, it can eliminate all nasty body odours from the building within seconds, in fact at full power it will move 1.2 tons of air per second, it's truly a breath of fresh air in the industry.

geriatric air extractor
Shitlike stool fragrance
We give SHITLIKE stool fragrance tablets free to all of our guests (unless they can still toilet themselves).
SHITLIKE was developed by Tenpasenta dietitians over 20 years, and finally obtained a food safety standards clean bill of health from the Nigerian department of food in 2010, although we've been using and distributing it since 1997 when it replaced our patented Crap-in-a-Condom stool recovery system.
Shitlike mint stool fragrance Shitlike coffee stool fragrance Shitlike Rose stool fragrance
Shitlike odours MINT COFFEE ROSE
Tenpasenta Church
crem fresh pizza, dawson windows, gold for church. cock in hand
Geriatric sex KY with Ralgex geriatric sex Grab a Granny day
As you get older sexual desires and needs may still be very high, many feel embarrassed by these feelings felt at a very old age.
If you are a geriatric or just plain old you don't need to hide your lusts, we are a broad-minded church and the site of prune-like couples at it around the home or estate does not shock us, though it does put our gag reflex to the test.
Join our very adult recreation club and get access to large supplies of KY jelly, Viagra, condoms, Mammoth sized vibrators, porno, rubber gloves and fresh towels. You will be also be given access to many secret areas around the Tenpasenta estate, including the mortuary.
Only £50 per week per person, this price includes transport, a member of staff to manipulate couples into various positions, and a packed lunch.
Geriatric dual use kitchen Geriatric dinner blended for excellence
feeding lady in geriatric home Our catering team provide some of the best geriatric care home food in the country, which isn't saying much.
All of our food is locally sourced from Lidl and is prepared in our unique dual-purpose kitchens. For health and safety reasons we cannot disclose its second use in public, let's just say that all our residents will benefit from it in the future.
Just because our residents are past their prime is no excuse to hold back quality food from their diet, but as most can't tell the difference any more what the heck.
Baked beans on toast is standard fayre and have become a favourite meal among those who still have a sense of taste.
Our dedicated puree team can render the most expensive joints of meat to an almost intravenous level, guaranteeing the best sources of food and nutrients to the gummiest of guests.
Due to the uncertainty that surrounds this profession all of our fruit is ripe and ready to eat, there's no point in buying a 95-year-old green bananas for example.
geriatric care food Southampton shitty good grub award
Nigerian  healthcare winner
geriatric innovation winner
grim reapers at geriatric home We have a fully equipped gym with sports instructor Troy popping in twice a week to offer advice on how to keep muscle bulk at peak condition.
The gym is packed with exercise machines from QVC (other TV shopping channels are available), all here to help residents keep fit and keep well before being boxed up and shipped out forever.
For those who survive a vigorous mornings exercising they can relax with a nice cup of tea or hot Bovril, both of which come with a complementary custard cream.
Gym instructor from geriatric home
Borneo orangutans
All of our residents get the opportunity to go on a trip to the sun at least once a year, anywhere worldwide or our most exotic location the jungles of Borneo.
They will be whisked to their choice of tropical paradise and led to believe they are in the forests of South-East Asia or the beaches of the Bahamas, anywhere is good for us, and they can stay for as long as they like for just an additional charge of £950 per week.
Just a single day of sunlight and greenery is often enough to keep them happy. Many holidaymakers are surprised at how similar their hotel is to our cleaners store cupboard, we tell them that the cleaners are from these parts and like to maintain the familiarity of home.
One tropical paradise is in fact in our roof space where we grow legal plants that mimic those found in the tropics.
Holiday in Borneo for geriatrics
exotic holidays for geriatrics save 10%
geriatric close relatives visitor day This is a home, not a prison and we like to encourage family visits as often as they can be arsed to come.
Many of our residents come to us as husband and wife, unfortunately as one of the pair shuffles off to eternal life thanks to our Over50plan, the other is left alone.
As a unique service, we bring any cremated loved ones back into the fold and reunite them with their partners once a week.
Geriatric home TV room
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Shit Happens
Near death palliative care is kept as simple as possible, no point in pissing about now.
As if things couldn't be worse at this time we've looped bloody Andrei Rieu on the telly. You'll be begging for your morphine within seconds.
Morphine bottles
So you're about to die leaflets
National association of fake funerals
SO YOU'RE ABOUT TO DIE is an informative guide from Premium Funerals, as the name suggests it's for those who recognise the fact that they're on their last legs and need to know the facts of what the hell to do now.
geriatric choosing her own funeral choosing your own funeral advice
choice of euthanasia drugs euthanasia Southampton Tenpasenta Church of england LOGO
If you've seen our Budget Funerals extras page you'll be excited to see cheap and legal euthanasia available. Being a guest at our geriatric care home will entitle them to free euthanasia drugs, a choice between Famous Grouse or Bells.
These are the kinds of services here at the Tenpasenta Church of England that make us unique in the womb to tomb business.
Tenpasenta thumbs up
Do not feed the zombies   Death Hastening in Southampton
New for 2020 funded by the NHS is Death Hastening.
Just like relatives and the National health service we realise that good care for the elderly can just prolong the life of a drooling vegetable, this extended life is not a pleasurable rewarding time for the care team or the very elderly person in question.
The advantages of our death hastening service are not just humanitarian but good financial sense. For too long geriatric care has involved prolonging life for the sole purpose of milking those in their care for monetary gain, now with thanks to the NHS "Liverpool Care Pathway" we no longer need to bother because they will cover our shortfall with cash up-front. By withdrawing food and water we will supervise the end of life process (starvation), we can even arrange the funeral.
This may appear to be an abhorrent approach to geriatric care, but if you were a beneficiary you would see all the positives.
choosing your own funeral Thanks to our care home being in such a convenient location next to our graveyards, the views will keep you on your toes about your impending death, so before you plan the funeral of your dreams, pop over and see what others are doing for theirs.
As you watch other prestigious funerals taking place you can cherry-pick the parts that are right for you.
Daily trips are available for only £10 (return taxi fare), it's a great escape from the rigmarole of the dire care home routine.
Assisted visits are available from £25 per hour.
While you're out and about why not visit the Church bar, we don't advise mixing alcohol and medicines, but what the heck, the sleep may do you good, and you'll be dead soon anyway, so what's the worst that can happen?
Wow, that sounds great Often, there are characteristic signs when death is near; Changes in respirations may occur. Slow and fast respirations or long periods without a breath are common in the dying person. Moaning may occur with breaths but this does not necessarily mean the person is in pain. Secretions in the throat or the relaxing of the throat muscles can lead to noisy breathing, sometimes called the death rattle. Repositioning the patient or using drugs to dry secretions can minimize the noise if you find it annoying. This breathing can continue for many hours.
At the time of death, a few muscle contractions may occur and the chest may heave as if to breathe. The heart may beat a few minutes after breathing stops, and a brief seizure may occur. Consciousness may decrease. Mental confusion or decreased alertness may occur just before death. The limbs may become cool and perhaps bluish, mottled or blotchy. These changes occur due to a decrease in oxygen and the body's circulation slowing down. The person may suddenly become incontinent (unable to control bowel and/or urine elimination).

*We like to call this "Died peacefully in their sleep."

Professor Stephen Hawking Our automated geriatric despatch system was devised with the help of Professor Stephen Walking Hawking the world-renowned clever Dick.
On a recent visit to Woolston, he visited Mark the vicar for advice on quantum economics. It was at this time he suggested a conveyor system for easy handling of the ex-residents, which not only offered many health and safety benefits for our staff but maintained the dignity of the recently departed, obviously spending his working days drooling in a wheelchair gives a different view on what dignity means.
Tenpasenta Geriatric care is the first home to use this now patented system, above each bed is a discreetly placed body retrieval system (sack), into this the body of the recently deceased is carefully placed before being inserted into the bed head chute, this then leads to our geriatric storeroom ready for easy collection by the funeral collection team.
It has been said by the Hampshire County Council care home review team, that our innovative system could be seen to be in bad taste, but we point out that new European Union health and safety regulations dictate that it is the responsibility of care home managers to look after their staff and avoid any unnecessary strain injuries that could occur while handling a deceased person.
They can't have it both ways.
Dead body chute tested by sister mary, nice arse
Geriatric dispatch system warehouse geriatric care home minibus
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