Life brings many good reasons to wish it was ended, for example:
A bad marriage,
Hitting the ground at very high speed,
Flying in a Russian Airliner.
If you suffer from any or all of these,
you should be thinking about our Guaranteed Afterlife plan!
The thought of dying can be a worry for some, especially the terminally ill, those in their "autumn" years and of course aircraft passengers. This is why we target our advertising to these vulnerable or worried groups. But you don't need to be dying soon to benefit from a Tenpasenta Guaranteed Over50Plan.
For over £50 a month you can guarantee yourself the afterlife you dreamt of. The Guaranteed Over50Plan is a simple and affordable way to leave a cash sum to us.
Our plans are backed by the Tenpasenta church, Europe's largest and wealthiest fake Church and spurious insurance underwriters. We specialise in offering the highest quality religious style experiences money can buy, including special deals made between us and higher imaginary authorities, enabling us to offer afterlife guarantees that real Churches can only dream of.
By relieving your bank account of a relatively small amounts of over £50 each month, you're in the Afterlife plan. It's as simple as that!
It will be a big relief to you on your deathbed knowing that you're just one step away from the afterlife and eternal bliss you were daft enough to believe in, and it's all thanks to giving money to us, enjoy.
Twenty odd years ago I began to manage the Tenpasenta Guaranteed Over50Plan and in that time I've met several interesting people and have a couple of lasting happy memories, but if you want to leave your loved one more than just happy memories, join the Guaranteed Over50Plan today and they will know you've gone to a better place after your death.
You don't need to be over 50 years old to join our plan, just pay us over £50 per month for over 50 years. We may throw in a FREE cremation for you if you've paid in for over 100 years, we don't joke about offers this HOT.
We have changed our life long subscription to reflect the hardship we hear many are feeling during this financial period, therefore from midnight on 22nd April 2009, Mark the vicar has declared that a one off payment of only £5500 and not £6000 will be accepted from anybody of ANY age who can prove that they are impoverished is all that will be required for a life long afterlife subscription!
Plus all low income earners over 106 years old will get a FREE membership! That's right, a guaranteed afterlife for nowt, even we can't believe it. We've received three emails from the ultra old who have made it their priority to reach 106 and save a few quid, we wish them luck! Some younger cancer victims may feel this offer to be a little unfair, tough titty, they should just buy our £6000 deal as soon as diagnosed.
There has never been a better time to join and guarantee yourself the afterlife you do or don't deserve.
Every life subscription not only includes an exciting free gift (illustration right), but also free entry into the Tenpasenta church estate in Southampton, our usual charge is £5 per entry meaning the more you visit the more you can save! One visitor got stuck in the revolving gate and she saved thousands!
When visiting make yourself known to be a Tenpasenta member and our vicar's will let you do some unpaid jobs about the place, this work could hasten your transit to the afterlife if you happen to be elderly or ill, this is a truly great bonus if you're fed up with life, we have a special name for this kind of volunteer, "Mad".
THINK ABOUT IT
As we all know the most secure way of getting to Heaven and the afterlife is through the regular tithe payment system of old, unlike other Churches who accept 10% of your cash for basically no guaranteed return, we offer the afterlife you were indoctrinated into believing was real, and who are we to shatter your childish dreams?
As long as your donation is larger or equal to at least 10% of your net income, your safe transit to the afterlife is fully guaranteed.
Remember the Tenpasenta church is the only Church to guarantee eternal life and let you keep Sundays all to yourself.
Premiums start from 10% of your net income per month, but if you would like to pay a more you can.
The first month's premium is not free, benefit from knowing your own money is going straight into your chosen plan from day one.
You need to keep paying into the plan every month throughout your life, if you were stop paying for any reason the Grim Reaper will delay your transit to the afterlife, he may even send you to the fires of Hell and eternal damnation! If you were to become seriously ill just before your death, be sure your payments are secure with an everlasting direct debit.
For each friend you invite to join you will receive their free gift instead of them!
The premium you choose will never go down, and your cover will never go up.
There is more to life than just money, so send it to us.
Why not give the ultimate gift to the one you love, the gift of a guaranteed afterlife, thanks to the Tenpasenta church.
Some may call it the gift money can't buy, but they are wrong, you can buy it from us for £4500.
Once bought you will be emailed a blank afterlife gift voucher, you can then pass it on at your chosen time, imagine the joy and relief this gift will bring, especially to an elderly friend or sick relative near death.
This gift is the ultimate gift, but once sold they cannot be returned as unwanted, we're not Marks & Spencer's.
GUARANTEED AFTERLIFE GUARANTEE
The Tenpasenta church has been selling no frills Afterlife for over 170 years, in that time nearly eight million people have signed up with us, and nobody that was confirmed dead has ever made a complaint. A ringing endorsement in itself for the quality of our sensational guaranteed Afterlife service.
We are so confident that you will be fully satisfied with your efficient transit to the Afterlife, that we have put in place a 30 day 10% full refund guarantee.
Full terms and conditions of our Afterlife guarantee are available to see in our red Book of Enlightenment by request.
To claim a refund if not fully satisfied, simply fill in the form placed in your coffin within 30 days of burial or cremation.
OLD AGE INSURANCE?
If you are over 80 years old things don't look good in the life insurance market, nobody wants you.
If you are a millionaire playboy like that old bloke on the left you will always be welcome because they'll ramp up the fees behind your back with a lucrative deal done with your accountant, but if you are an ancient old duffer on your last legs without a huge bank balance you're in the shite, you'll need to try and make your body younger looking or try to lie about your age. We don't care how old you are, just as long as you have the £4500 to give us you're guaranteed an eternal afterlife, let your relatives worry about burying you, you'll be sunning yourself on some heavenly beach or whatever you'd imaged FOREVER!
If you're on the old side or terminally ill, you should be worried about whether or not you will pass on to a wonderful afterlife, you don't want to end up haunting a Victorian mansion?
By joining the Tenpasenta Over50Plan, you're guaranteed that a dream afterlife will be a reality!
It doesn't matter how horrible you've been in life, or even how ugly looking you are, having disposable money is the only qualification!
Members must remember to give the Grim Reaper our one finger Tenpasenta gesture when you're lucky enough to die. He will then check your Tenpasenta membership is up to date then fast-track you to Saint Peter's gate for your perpetual existence of eternal bliss. If however you lie about the status of your Afterlife plan, you can expect a swift scythe to the genitals, or maybe worse.
Don't mess with your eternal future over money in this life, infinity is a long time and you should be sure you've backed the winning church, forget the rest, join the best, the Tenpasenta church.